TOP 5 REASONS TO HATE THE MILLENNIUM
5. No one knows how to spell it
4. There will be a Rolling Stones Millennium Tour
3. Your new computer program may be Curtains 2000
2. As a kid you figured out how ancient you'd be in the year 2000. Now you are.
1. There are only 999 years left till Y3K
Have you had it with Millennium hype? Would you like to exterminate all talk of the Y2K bug? Here's the antidote! 2000 Reasons to Hate the Millennium is your guide to surviving the marketing madness surrounding the year you-know-what.
Here is advice on such millennial topics as:
- How to give birth to the first baby of the Millennium
- Where NOT to be Millennium Eve
- 2000 products to expect and avoid
- The Worst Awards: worst books, movies, fashions, and media stories of the last 2000 years
2000 Reasons to Hate the Millennium
Don't Leave This Millennium Without It!
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About the Author
Josh Freed is a Montreal Gazette columnist and filmmaker, and the author of five books. He has won the Stephen Leacock Award for Humor and two national newspaper awards, including Best Canadian Columnist of 1998.
Read an Excerpt
Chapter 10: WHY 2K?
The Year 2000 will be the biggest birthday bash in human history, but no one knows exactly when, where or what we're celebrating.
Like a car's speedometer hitting 100,000, it's a momentous milestone without meaning. And everyone seems to be cheering, except you.
Are you suffering from PMSS: Pre-Millennial-Stress Syndrome? Do you cringe when you hear the words, "Millennium Bug?" Do you gag when Playboy launches its global search for the Playmate of the Millennium? Do your eyes glaze over when you hear about the newest pre-Millennium trend (kids named Millie), the latest product (New Millennium Toothbrush), or that same question you'll be hearing over and over again.
"So what are YOU doing for the Millennium?"
Are there days when you wish you lived in another era, some time quieter, less disturbing and less, well, Millennial? For instance: Paris during The Terror, or Rome while it was being sacked, or even some inoffensive date in the future like 2079 long after the Millennium hype is over and a comfortable 921 years before it starts again?
Well, you're not alone. Billions of others are suffering from PMSS too, and for good reason. With less than a year to go before The Moment arrives, the word "Millennial" is already the most overused adjective of the last 2000 years. And planning for an ordinary New Year's Eve is bad enough soon you'll be expected to know where you're spending your Millennium party, who's getting your first Millennial kiss, what your Millennium outfit will be and what Millennium Eve resolutions you'll make.
"This is definitely my LAST Millennium Eve party."
Then there's the orgy of media-hype you can expect in the final months and days of the countdown. There will be Time's (Hu)man of the Millennium, Sports Illustrated's Athlete of the Millennium, not to mention the Philosopher, the Writer, the Artist, the Butcher, the Baker and the Candlestick-Maker of the Millennium.
There will be TV specials documenting every second of the unfolding celebrations from Aalsmeer, Netherlands to Zywiec, Poland. There will be thousands of Millennium products for sale and billions in government money wasted on the event. There will be no end of talk about the Millennium bug and other Doomsday pests, not to mention the tabloid TV shows before and afterwards:
"RECOVERING MILLENNIUM ADDICTS MEET FIRST-TIME MILLENNIAL MOMS."
By the time it arrives, the Millennium will be the most over-publicized, over-hyped and utterly predictable event of all time; the ultimate opportunity for scamsters, pollsters, psychics, academics, journalists and authors like us.
So watch out the Millennium snowball is growing and if you don't do something, it will roll right over you. But what can you do?
This book is the answer, your guide to surviving Y2K the Year 2000 before it swallows you. It tells you where not to go, how not to dress, even what not to drink on Millennium Eve if you want to miss the Hangover of the Millennium. (Hint: anything with "two thousand flavors" can't be good for you.)
It explains how you can fight back against the Millennium, or ignore it, or postpone it. It even tells you how to miss the Millennium entirely.
In short, this book is a way of getting through the Millennium without dying of boredom first. It will take the stress out of your PMSS.
In addition, and at no extra charge, it gives you at least 2000 reasons to hate the Millennium, though we're sure you can think of lots more. So don't wait another millisecond, start taking control of your Millennium right now.
If you like, you can make your first anti-Millennium statement by burning this book.
After you've paid for it, of course.
THINGS WE THOUGHT WOULD LAST 2000 YEARS THAT DIDN'T
by Marsha Boulton
- Frankincense and myrrh
- Fish on Fridays
- Lighthouse keepers
- Latin teachers
- Mail delivery
- Needing sex for conception
- Eating beef
- The U.S.S.R.
- The Royal Family
- The family
- Babe Ruth's record
- Letter writing
- Bank tellers
THINGS WE DIDN'T THINK WOULD LAST UNTIL 2000 THAT MADE A COMEBACK
- Bearded messiahs
- Spike heels and platform shoes
- The Volkswagen Beetle
- Boxer shorts
- Underwire bras
- Joe Clark
- John Glenn
- Bleached hair and dark roots
IMMORTAL LINES OF THE LAST 2000 YEARS THAT, IN RETROSPECT, WEREN'T
"No sane man will dance."
"Rome will never fall."
"The sun never sets on the British Empire..."
John Wilson, 1829
"This was the war to end all wars."
Woodrow Wilson, after WWI
"Peace in our time."
Neville Chamberlain, before WWII
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
H.M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers, 1927
"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics, 1949
"We don't like their sound. Guitar groups are on the way out."
Decca record executive, 1962, as he refused to sign The Beatles
"We will bury you!"
Nikita Kruschev (1894-1971) on capitalism
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899
Copyright © 1999 by Josh Freed and Terry Mosher
Table of Contents
Table of Contents Countdown...
WHY 2K? Introduction Things we thought would last 2000 years that didn't Immortal quotes of the last Millennium that weren't
2K OR NOT 2K? Where not to celebrate the Millennium When not to celebrate the Millennium How you can avoid the whole thing
THE Y2K-MART How to make a million off the Millennium 2000 products to expect and avoid
Y NOT U2? Inner messiah Tours The missing messiah How to have the first Millennium baby
Y BUG ME? The Millennium Bug: An Exterminator's Guide The Y2K Armageddon Survival Guide
Y1K A brief history of the last 1000 years What about the Y1K bug? Surprising inventions of the last Millennium What's 1000 years?
THE YUKKIES Awards for 2000 years of bad books, bad songs, bad films, bad fashions and bad inventions
I'M OK, YOU'RE 2K A guide to sex, culture, pets, space travel and other millitrends of the next 1000 years
Y2NIGHT! 2000 ways to have a memorable moment on Millennium Eve Preparing Your Last Supper Millennium Eve TV listings How to be the first death of the Millennium
Y3K A survival guide to the next 10 centuries What to pack, where to stay, how to get there Planning for a crowded planet Predictions for the new Millennium