The Bad Mother's Handbook: A Novel

The Bad Mother's Handbook: A Novel

by Kate Long

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For seventeen-year-old Charlotte Cooper, it’s too late. Despite her best efforts to finish school, tune out her angry, slightly hysterical mother, and cope with her loving but dotty grandmother, she is unexpectedly (now that’s an understatement) pregnant. And don’t even mention the jerk who knocked her up.

Charlotte’s mother, Karen, is trying to convince herself that there are worse things than becoming a grandmother at thirty-three. For instance, there’s wanting to kill Charlotte for the mess she’s made of her life. Between struggling to pay the bills and halfheartedly filling out questionnaires on Internet dating sites, Karen uncovers a scandalous family secret involving her own birth, and then falls back into bed with her sexy ex-husband. So much for perfect timing.

In the meantime, Karen’s mother, Nan, is having a wee bit of trouble with names (sometimes her own). But that doesn’t keep her from retaining a few things she’d rather forget. Of course, Nan knows that everything will work out fine for Charlotte and the baby–these things usually do. Now, if only she could put the pieces of her own fragmented memory together, she might have an interesting tale or two to share.

In this wickedly funny, disarmingly moving novel, three generations of mothers learn that it’s the simplest mistakes that can change your life forever. With wit and wisdom, Kate Long proves that there are as many kinds of mothers as there are daughters, but the love that binds them all is what truly matters.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780307416896
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 12/18/2007
Sold by: Random House
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 384
Sales rank: 1,109,139
File size: 2 MB

About the Author

KATE LONG lives in Shropshire, England. This is her first novel.

Read an Excerpt


When I was twelve I fell and broke my elbow. It was election day 1929, and we were mucking about on top of the wall by the polling station. It was about six feet up and you were all right as long as you sat astride the copestone, only I’d turned sidesaddle so as to spot the people who’d voted Conservative; my dad said you could see it in their faces. Jimmy nudged me and we started singing:

“Vote! Vote! Vote for Alec Sharrock,

He is sure to win the day.

And we’ll get a salmon tin

And we’ll put the Tory in

And he’ll never see his mother any more.”

I swung my legs to make the words come out better, and the next thing I knew I was sprawled on the ground with my arm underneath me. Jimmy tried to make a sling out of the yellow muslin banners we’d been waving, but I screamed and he started to cry in panic. It hurt so much I was afraid to get up in case I left my arm on the floor.

The following day, when we heard the Labor Party’d got in, Dad got so drunk he couldn’t open the back gate.

“I’ll go and let him in,” Jimmy volunteered.

“You’ll not!” said Mother. “Leave him where he is.”

So I lay on the sofa with my arm all strapped up and watched him struggle. Finally he fell over and my mother drew the curtains on him.

It was funny, we’d never known him to touch a drop before.

His vices lay in other directions.


The day after it happened, everything seemed normal. Even from behind my bedroom door, I could hear Mum going on at Nan. She tries not to get cross, but it’s the only emotion my mother does these days.

“Come on, Nan, it’s time for your bath.”

“I can’t. My arm hurts.”

“No, it doesn’t. You’ve been dreaming again. Come on.”

Ours is a house of lost things; keys, hearing aids, identities. There was a row about sausages this morning. My mum had cooked two sausages for Nan’s dinner and left them on a plate to cool. Then the window cleaner came to the door, and when she got back they’d gone.

“What have you done with them?” she asked her mother (patient voice).

“I han’t touched ’em.”

“Yes, you have, you must have.”

“It were t’ dog.”

“We haven’t got a dog, Nan. Where are they? I just want to know, you’re not in trouble. Have you eaten them?”

“Aye, I might have done. Yesterday. I had ’em for my tea.”

“How can you have had them yesterday when I’ve only just cooked them? God almighty, it’s every little thing.” My mother ran her hand wearily over her face and sighed. It’s something she does a lot.

“By the Christ! There’s no need to shout. You’re a cranky woman. You’re bad-tempered like my daughter, Karen. She blows her top over nothing.”

“I am your daughter Karen,” Mum said.


It was me who found the sausages next day, wrapped in two plastic bags inside the bread bin.

Not that Nan has the monopoly on confusion.

I know my name is Charlotte and that I’m seventeen, but on a bad day that’s as far as it goes. “Be yourself,” people—older people—are always telling me: yeah, right. That’s so easy. Sometimes I do those quizzes in Most! and Scene Nineteen. Are you a Cool Cat or a Desperate Dog and what’s your seduction style; how to tell your personality type by your favorite color, your favorite doodle, the hour of your birth. Do I (a) Believe this crap? (b) Treat it with the contempt it deserves? Depends on my mood, really.

Sometimes Nan thinks I am her own childhood reincarnated. “Bless her,” she says, rooting for a mint, “her father beat her till she were sick on t’ floor and then he beat her again. He ran off and her mother had to tek in washin’. Poor lamb. Have a toffee.”

This drives my mum up the wall, round the bend, and back again. She doesn’t like to see good sympathy going to waste, particularly in my direction, because she thinks I live the Life of Riley.

“You have chances I never had,” she tells me. “Education’s everything. How much homework have you got tonight?” She bought me a personal organizer for Christmas but I lost it—I haven’t had the nerve to tell her yet. “You must make something of your life. Don’t make the mistake I made.”

Since I am part of her Mistake (“I was a mother by the age of sixteen, divorced at twenty-one”), this leaves me in an unusual position: I am also her redeemer, the reassurance that her life has not in fact been wasted. My future successes will be hers, and people will say to me, “Your mother was a clever woman. She gave up a lot for you.” Or so she hopes.

Actually, I’m in a bit of a mess.

When Nan walked in on me and Paul Bentham having sex yesterday afternoon she didn’t say a word. She’s surprisingly mobile, despite the bag. The colostomy was done dog’s years ago, pre-me, to get rid of galloping cancer.

“The Queen Mother has one, you know!” the consultant had shouted.

“Ooh. Swanky,” replied Nan, impressed. “Well, Ivy Seddon reckons Cliff Richard has one, an’ he dances about all over.”

I thought she might let it slip that evening while we were watching Coronation Street. Suddenly she said, “She were too young, she didn’t know what she were doing. I towd her, Musn’t fret, I’ll tek care of it.” My mum, coming in with a cup of tea for her, banged the saucer down so that the tea spilled on the cloth, and gave me a look.

Christ, Nan, please don’t say anything or I’m done for. (A thirty-three-year-old woman was today formally accused of bludgeoning to death her teenage daughter with what police believe may have been a personal organizer. Neighbors reported hearing raised voices late into the night.)

It still hurts a bit. I didn’t know it would hurt like that. I knew there’d be blood because I read somewhere about them hanging the bedsheets out of the window in olden days so that all and sundry could see the bride had been virgo intacta. I used an old T-shirt and rinsed it out afterward; if she asks, I’ll tell my mother it was a nosebleed.

I’m not a slut. It’s just that there’s not a lot to do around here. You can walk through Bank Top in fifteen minutes, a small dull village hunching along the ridge of a hill and sprawling down the sides in two big estates. From the highest point it affords panoramic views of industrial Lancashire: factories, warehouses, rows and rows of red-brick terraces and, on the horizon, the faint gray-green line of millstone-grit moorland. To the south there’s the television mast where a German plane is supposed to have come down fifty years ago; to the north there’s Blackpool Tower, just visible on the skyline. I used to spend hours squinting to see the illuminations, but they’re too far away.

There are three types of housing in Bank Top. Small Victorian houses, two rooms upstairs and two rooms downstairs, line the main street, while on the fringes of the village it’s all modern boxes with garages and uniform front lawns. None of the people in these prestige developments talk to each other, but you can hear everything your neighbor’s doing through the cardboard walls, apparently. Beneath these shiny new houses the foundations shift and grumble over defunct mine shafts—the last pit closed forty years ago—making Bank Top a sink village in every sense.

Then there are the semi-detached duplexes built in the thirties as public housing, where dogs roam free and shit on the pavement with impunity. This is where we live. We bought our house in the boom of ’84 (also Divorce Year), and my mother celebrated by having a Georgian front door fitted and mock leaded lights on the windows. The front storage room, upstairs which is my bedroom and minute, looks out over the Working Men’s Club parking lot; some odd things go on there on a Saturday night, I can tell you.

In the center of the village is the church and the community center and a rubbish row of shops, a newsstand, a launderette, a grocery store. Two pubs, more or less opposite each other, battle it out, but one is for old people and families from the new neighborhoods with quiz nights and chicken tikka pizza, and the other’s rough as rats. I don’t go in either. For kicks, I get the bus to Wigan from a bus shelter smelling of pee. Fuck off, it says over the lintel, so I generally do.

I don’t belong in this village at all. Actually, I don’t know where I do belong. Another planet, maybe.

• • •

So there I was, on my back, entirely naked and rigid as a corpse, when Nan totters into my bedroom and says to Paul, “A horse has just gone past the landing window.”

“Which way did it go?” asks Paul.

“Which way did it go?” I said later. “What are you, mad too?”

“I was only trying to make conversation.” He shrugged his bony shoulders under the sheets. “What’s up with her? Is she mental, like?”

“No more than a lot of people,” I said, a bit sharply. I get defensive about her, even though she is a nuisance. “Some days she’s more with it than me. She’s just old. You might be like that when you’re old.”

“I’d shoot myself first.”

“No, you wouldn’t. That’s what everyone says, but they wouldn’t.”

Part of the problem in this house is hormones. There are too many undiluted women for one small ex-council house. Huge clouds of supercharged estrogen drift about and react, sending showers of sparks into the atmosphere; the air prickles with it. Nan hasn’t got any left, of course, although she hung on to hers longer than most (had my mum at forty-six! Didn’t realize people even had sex at that age), but I’ve got more than I know what to do with. Certainly more than my mother knows what to do with. She suspects I have tart DNA (passed on from her, presumably). If she finds out I’ve been having sex she will kill me. Really. This would be my worst nightmare: Mum, finding out:

Bloody bloody bloody hell. Bloody Nan for making a mess on the bed. Again. Not her fault but I don’t care, nobody cares about me. Come off, you bloody fitted sheet, bastard son of a sheet—hell. Trailing this armload off to the washing basket and—hell, I’ve dropped a pair of tights—hell, I’ve dropped a pair of underwear trying to pick up the tights, whole bloody lot’s gone now, all over the floor. Navy sock in with the whites, that was a close shave. Charlotte will not put her dirty clothes in the right baskets; what kind of a slut have I produced? You’d think she’d have more consideration. Dying for a cup of tea, cotton with prewash, heavily soiled, everything’s heavily soiled in this house. Not Nan’s fault, that bloody tape doesn’t stick to her skin if she gets Nivea under it. What’s this, what’s this? What’s just fallen out of the dirty pillowcase onto the floor?

Oh, Jesus, it’s a condom. Charlotte’s been having sex.

Reading Group Guide

1. How are the sections in Nan’s perspective different from what you’d expect? How did they affect your understanding of Nan throughout the book?

2. Karen says she feels she’s been living the wrong life. Have you ever felt the same way?

3. Do you think that discovering the truth about her birth mother helped Karen make her life “right”? How?

4. Do you think Charlotte is an admirable character?

5. Compare the men in the novel: Paul, Danny, Mr. F., and Steve. Do these characters remind you of people you know? Are they realistic?

6. Did you expect Karen’s relationship with Mr. F. to turn out differently? Why do you think the author chose to end this way?

7. Which character do you identify with the most: Karen or Charlotte? Why?

8. Was Karen too hard on Charlotte? How do you think you would have reacted in Karen’s situation?

9. What, if anything, do all three women–Nan, Karen, and Charlotte–have in common?

10. Do you think this book has a surprise ending? If you had to write an alternate ending, what would you write?

11. What does the novel have to say about the choices we make in life, or that are made for us?

12. According to the novel, has life gotten easier for Western women over the twentieth century, or harder? Do you agree with the novel’s presentation?

13. Do you think The Bad Mother’s Handbook is an appropriate title?

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The Bad Mother's Handbook 4.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 12 reviews.
Steph78 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I really enjoyed this book, not what I expected at all. A refreshing change from yummy mummies etc.
coolmama on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Very enjoyable quick read. Fun story about 3 generations of women in one family in Northern England. Not as chick-lit as I had thought. Looking forward to reading more by this author. Would certainly recommend to others!
byroade on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I picked it up at work thinking it would be a light chick-lit read, with maybe a little bit of attitude, but it turned into something a good bit better.Three generations of women, Nan, her daughter Karen, and granddaughter Charlotte share a tiny little home in a tiny little village in northern England. Their stories alternate. Nan, pushing 80, is a bit addled and spends most of her time in the past. Karen, in her early thirties, is angry at the world and at herself for losing her future by having had Charlotte as a teenager. Karen has also discovered that she is adopted and hoping to find her "real" mother, someone she imagines living a wonderful, suburban fantasy of the life she's never had. Charlotte, a very good student, is completely alienated from her mother, a situation that is only exacerbated when Charlotte discovers that she, too, is expecting a baby at the exact wrong time in life.The novel is funny and irreverent--except when it is not--and then it is poignant and haunting. A quick absorbing read, excellent for gaining a little perspective.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Oh my god i love daniel (robert pattinson/edward cullen )
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Im watching the movie rite now I LOVE ROBERT PATTINSON
RJHALL More than 1 year ago
A great story to read for all ages. Warmth and humor found in a family setting. So good, it was made into a great movie. Read it and see it!
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Guest More than 1 year ago
In England though she recently broke up with her boyfriend, seventeen-year-old Charlotte feels good about herself and her future as she is doing well in school, lives in a relatively happy all female home, and seems adjusted. That is until she learns she is pregnant.--------------------- Her mom Karen is a teacher's aide struggling with her mother Nan¿s mind slowly slipping away with the demands from that side already overwhelming. Her patience is over the edge when Charlotte informs her she is pregnant. Upset and unable to contain her anger, Karen cannot believe that history has repeated itself because when she was sixteen she gave birth to Karen. Though she loves her daughter all her dreams died with her birth. She did marry the father but thankfully divorced that loser soon afterward. As Nan drifts deeper into the past including insisting that she adopted Karen, the mentally exhausted sandwich generation is not sure what to do as Charlotte decides to give birth except to flee in search of her biological mother dreaming of a loving comforting welcome.---------------------- This fascinating character study is at its best when the audience sees deep inside the three generations with deep understanding of being an unwed mother, a child having a child, the sandwich generation, and the creeping of dementia (as well as a late stroke). When the tale spins off into the biological mother twist it loses some of its depth until Karen returns to her ¿real¿ family. Somewhat a soap opera, THE BAD MOTHER'S HANDBOOK is a strong family drama that focuses on the demands and responsibilities on women without men.------------ Harriet Klausner
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book was a pleasant read. A tad confusing with the switching of the voices before you learn the characters, but not too much of a mental leap. Realistic plot involving the pregnant teen, as I was a pregnant teen as well. Also being a mother of a teen, I would want to KILL HER if she made me a grandmother at 33, yuck, I can't even imagine it. I would have to say the child is mine, just to avoid being seen as a(shudder) grandma. The mother's storyline was passable, it didn't take away or significantly add to the story either way. Worth the read, but not a book to read more than once.