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HOW TO STAY MARRIED FOR AT LEAST 100 YEARS
By DARREN DARRELL SMITH
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2012 Darren Darrell Smith
All right reserved.
Chapter One"Mamma's Boys" and "Daddy's Little Girls"
Information for the Men
Proverbs 31:10 gives an example of what God considers to be a virtuous woman. This is a hint from Him of what a man should be looking for in a wife. So what causes a woman not to be virtuous? Most likely, her upbringing has allowed her to expect the treatment of what the world has identified as a "diva." All of her life, she has received whatever she desired. If she didn't, a habit of pouting developed. Shopping became the center of her teenage life as credit became her language. She became very familiar with spending and learned very little about saving. In my opinion, this is not a good thing. A woman who carries the title of "Daddy's little girl" is great at receiving and not so great at giving. Submission is not something someone with this mentality could get used to. This section is not trying to inform you of who you should or shouldn't marry. This is just a heads-up on what could be problematic if you expect this type of person to have a hot meal ready for you upon your arrival home from a hard day's work. If you have purchased this book and you are just finding out that your wife is a diva instead of a virtuous woman, continue to read and discover how to reverse your wife's expectations of you.
Information for the Women
One of the greatest examples that the Bible gives us of what to expect a man to be is in Genesis 3:17-19. It lets you know the minimum of what a man should be doing before he introduces himself to you. The first question you should not be ashamed to ask is, "Where do you live and where do you work?" If the answer you receive is basically, "I am between jobs and I live with my mother right now to save up for a house," cease the conversation no matter how gorgeous he may be. This is an obvious sign that he is a Mamma's boy. This type of man has received the royal treatment from his mother. She has cleaned his room, folded his laundry, spoon-fed him, and groomed him to depend solely on her, all because he was the only man in her life. In a marriage, this man will accept no lesser treatment from his wife. If you have purchased this book and you are just finding out your husband is a Mamma's boy, continue to read and discover how to reverse your husband's motherly expectations of you.
Requirements for Change
The type of men and women mentioned above were bred to be selfish. The requirement to rearrange selfishness to selfish-less is fairly easy when choosing to follow a doctrine that doesn't change. Our doctrine, the Holy Bible, instructs its followers to be transformed by renewing their mind, recognizing God's order and expectations of a household, and living every word of His Word even when it doesn't benefit their wants. This could be quite difficult for people who have a tendency to be all about themselves. That's why they must choose to conform to God's ways. People are used to their freedom and expect to have it while joining the Kingdom of God. His Kingdom, as harsh as it may sound, is a dictatorship, not a democracy. This means one unchanging king who has unchanging rules. A man who wants to follow God has to be within the guidelines of God's Kingdom. This is no different from someone asking to move in with you and placing his feet on your table as he reclines back, drinking and spilling beer on your Italian leather sofa. In other words, people can't come into your home and live by their rules. It's the same way with God's Kingdom: His Kingdom, His rules. A selfish person choosing to walk into God's house must adjust to God's ways. Of course, mistakes will happen, but constantly making the attempt to align your behavior to His rules should be accepted as constructive criticism.
Chapter TwoThe Gravitational Pull of Being Unequally Yoked (King Solomon and His Wives)
I remember my son being at an age where he believed nothing until he experienced it for himself. I would tell him how hot the stove was while his mother was cooking and advise him to stay away from the kitchen during this time. But because he was three years old, he found my frightened reaction amusing when he would slowly move his hand toward the hot stove and snatch it back when it was too close. I would warn him of what could happen if he continued to tease me and play in this way. One day, as he looked forward to teasing me while playing his little game, he mistakenly touched the stove, failing to realize how close his hand was to it. His losing that round in his game caused several unnecessary events to happen: I had to take time off from work, take him to the doctor, spend money for a co-pay, wait to be seen by a doctor, pick up some burn cream, change bandages, and so on. From that day forward, that was not his game of his choice. But all of that could have been prevented if he would have just followed my advice or yoked his thinking with mine from the first time I informed him of how dangerous the stove was. Yoke is used here to mean "have the same frame of mind, thinking, or direction, in order to make the task easier for the ones involved."
The worldly definitions of yoke are:
A frame designed to be carried across a person's shoulders with equal loads suspended from each end.
A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together.
To join two animals together by a device that divides the weight of a heavy load equally between them.
The Bible uses this word to explain how a thought process or a way of life would be easy for those who choose to live the way Jesus has taught us to live (Matt. 11:28-30). Yoke is also used to describe the positions of the types of people believers should be in fellowship with (2 Cor. 6:14). When we don't yoke with those who are like ourselves, we take the risk of changing our ways to match their ways.
In the case of marriage, a similar problem forms when we choose a mate. Yoke is also used in the Bible when referring to marriages. God wants His people to be married, or yoked, to those who are yoked to Him. When we do not marry those who share our religion, the expectation of them following the ways of our God could lead us quickly to a divorce. I have witnessed an Islamic believer fall in love with a Christian believer. Although the sexual encounter between the two was explosive, the idea of marriage could not enter the hearts of either of them. They both refused to convert to the other's beliefs. Needless to say, unbeknownst to either of them, their child was on his way into the world. I prefer not to speak the worst when it comes to the life of a child, but a house divided cannot stand (Mark 3:25). In this case, both houses, Islamic and Christian, are standing on one child. God warned us about these types of relationships in 1 Kings 11:1-3, which states the following:
But King Solomon [defiantly] loved many foreign women—the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites. They were of the very nations of whom the Lord said to the Israelites, You shall not mingle with them, neither shall they mingle with you, for surely they will turn away your hearts after their gods. Yet Solomon clung to these in love. He had 700 wives, princesses, and 300 concubines, and his wives turned away his heart from God.
Solomon was the wisest person to ever live (1 Kings 3:7-13). His wisdom allowed him to believe he could do what God warned him against. Marrying these women was not just for sport to him. Solomon had an agenda to take these women as wives for political reasons, but as we can see, it backfired on him. You cannot think that something God warned us against will change if we do it a different way, even if you are the smartest or wisest person living. Being equally yoked is vital in a marriage, because it has the power to bring a household to order.
Like Solomon, most of us are intrigued by someone our parents warned us against. After we disregard their advice and make our own decision, a downward spiral of events begins to take place as we lose our footing trying to figure out, "How did I get here?" In a Christian household, the first rule that parents teach their children is to marry someone who is of the same religion as they are. This is one of the most important keys to being married for a hundred years, although that is not on a person's mind when making a selection for a spouse. As unbelievable as it may sound, people get married under these conditions all the time. This is most puzzling, because the number of divorces that happen under these conditions is added to the statistics of divorces that take place within the church. (In my opinion, the divorce rate is higher in the church because being married without conditions is easier than being married with them. For example, if a people get married who are not religious, committing adultery or fornication may not be something that requires them to leave their mate. The worst that may happen within that relationship is the other spouse may commit the same act to get even. On the contrary, if the act of adultery or fornication within a Christian relationship is committed, a divorce will probably take place immediately, because it is a condition in which God allows for it to take place.) The following chapter will explain the very first divorce recorded among God's people credited to the yoke not being equal.
Chapter ThreeUnequal Yoke Prevails Again (Samson and His Wife)
As a child, I was fascinated by the story of Samson and Delilah because he was like a biblical version of Hercules. When I was asked to be in a biblical play or had a choice to select a character from the Bible to portray, Samson was always my pick. Now I am able to view this story from the perspective of a married man, and a man of God. From this standpoint, God has allowed me to see a vast number of problems in Samson's life that were hidden behind his muscles. Before explaining Samson's entire truth, let's expose one myth that, perhaps, everyone has been led to believe: that Delilah was Samson's wife. He was married, but not to her.
The previous chapter explains how a yoke is designed to equal out a heavy weight. It's also explained how the first yoke comes from the advice of the parents. This was no different in Samson's life. Samson's parents wanted the best for him, so they advised him not to yoke himself to a woman who was not of the same religion. Judges 14:1-3 states:
Samson went down to Timnah and at Timnah saw one of the daughters of the Philistines. And he came up and told his father and mother, I saw one of the daughters of the Philistines atTimnah; now get her for me as my wife. But his father and mother said to him, Is there not a woman among the daughters of your kinsmen or among all our people, that you must go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said to his father, Get her for me, for she is all right in my eyes.
Like most men today, Samson was distracted by the beauty of a woman instead of the wisdom that came from his parents. As Proverbs 1:7 partially says, "Fools despise wisdom and instruction." (As a teenager, I can remember that, when I brought a young lady to my mother's house who she did not approve of, she would always say, "Son, everything that shines does not necessarily mean it's gold." As a young lad who thought I knew more than both of my parents, I continued my relationship with the young lady in an attempt to prove my parents wrong. What a mistake.)
The previous chapter reveals the domino effect that occurs when wisdom is rejected, and this is what happened in Samson's life. After discounting the counsel of his parents, Samson introduced himself to the woman, had sex with her, and married her (Judg. 14:7 and Judg. 14:10). It is assumed that Judges 14:10 refers to wedding ceremony, because Judges 14:15 describes the woman as Samson's wife. During the time of his wedding, Samson was surrounded by his wife's kindred: Philistines. Samson did not know the culture of the Philistines. The commitment laws of marriage to the Philistines were not the same marriage laws of commitment as the religion of Samson. Under Samson's religion, a husband leaves his mother and father to cleave to his wife. Under the religion of the Philistines, the law seems to have been "blood is thicker than water" based on what happened next.
As Samson sat around his new family and friends, he decided to have some fun by posing a riddle for them to answer by the end of the seven-day wedding ceremony. The riddle (Judg. 14:14) was something he himself just recently discovered (Judg. 14:6-9), so he knew it would be quite difficult for them to solve. Since Samson had the upper hand, he also decided to place a friendly wager if they could not give him the answer within seven days (Judg. 14:12-13). What started out as a game, as well as an opportunity to gain some expensive garments, evolved into something very serious for his new bride. After the Philistines heard the unsolvable riddle, they made a decision that losing was not an option. Before the arrival of the seventh day, the Philistines took Samson's new wife and threatened to burn her and everyone within her father's home with fire if she didn't force the answer to the riddle from her husband (Judg. 14:15). Samson's wife began making attempts to pry the answer from him by way of enticement, crying, begging, and nagging until he gave her the answer (Judg. 14:16-17). This act from Samson's wife showed that she had more fear and loyalty to her countrymen than to the laws of a covenant marriage to Samson. As Samson's anger got the best of him, he went to another location and killed thirty Philistines to pay off his debt to the men who explained his riddle (Judg. 14:19). During the time of his absence, unbeknownst to Samson, his wife was given to his best friend (Judg. 14:20). Even though it is not stated, this act done by Samson's father-in-law was the first divorce recorded among God's people due to being unequally yoked. After Samson had calmed down, he went to see his wife at her father's house, only to find out she was given to his best friend while he wasn't there (Judg. 15:1-2). This sent him into further rages, as things began to spiral out of control throughout his life and his lack of judgment in women from that point on. So even though his wife's name was not mentioned, we do know from these texts that it wasn't Delilah. It is recorded that Samson did not meet Delilah until a few more sexual encounters and twenty years after his divorce (Judg. 15:20 combined with Judg. 16:1-4). I presume that Delilah was a harlot or also a Philistine, because her willingness to receive instruction and payment from them in reference to Samson was welcomed (Judg. 16:4-5). One thing is for sure: despite what we may have assumed for many years, she was not his wife. Samson's preference in women seemed to be those who were not equally yoked to him. Even though he had the strength to kill a thousand men in a single battle (Judg. 15:15-16), he was no match for one unyoked women. The power of being unequally yoke is stronger than the strongest man who ever walked the earth, and outwitted the smartest man who ever lived (Solomon). So to those who feel that it's okay to be married to someone who worships a different God, take heed of the stories of God's people who have already experienced it. If it did not work for them, it will not work for you.
Excerpted from HOW TO STAY MARRIED FOR AT LEAST 100 YEARS by DARREN DARRELL SMITH Copyright © 2012 by Darren Darrell Smith. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1 "Mamma's Boys" and "Daddy's Little Girls"....................1
Chapter 2 The Gravitational Pull of Being Unequally Yoked (King Solomon and His Wives)....................4
Chapter 3 Unequal Yoke Prevails Again (Samson and His Wife)....................8
Chapter 4 Bearable Test vs. Unbearable Temptation (God and His Bride)....................12
Chapter 5 Role Reversal (Ahab and Jezebel)....................15
Chapter 6 God Placed Us Together ... Not!....................18
Chapter 7 The Repeater....................21
Chapter 8 What Is Wrong With Her? Nothing (Moses and Zipporah)....................22
Chapter 9 The Nature of a Woman: What Really Happened in the Garden (Adam and Eve)....................27
Chapter 10 Who's the Man?....................32
Chapter 11 In case He fails, She Will Always Have a Backup Plan (Jacob, Leah, and Rachel)....................36
Chapter 12 The Design of a Historic Catastrophe (Abraham and Sarah)....................43
Chapter 13 Preventing a Historic Catastrophe (King Ahasuerus and Queen Vashti)....................49
Chapter 14 The Divine Definition of the Word Divorce....................51
Chapter 15 Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery (David and Bathsheba)....................57
Chapter 16 God Speaks to Her Too....................65
Chapter 17 Hyphenated Names....................70
Chapter 18 There Is No Such Thing as a Stepparent....................73
Chapter 19 Don't Sleep on Her! (Isaac and Rebekah)....................77
Chapter 20 Consequences to the Bird Not Leaving the Nest....................81
Chapter 21 The Greatest Marital Conflict of All Time (Joseph and Mary)....................87
Chapter 22 Questions and Answers....................90
About the Author....................105
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
This is the first book that I have ever read that breaks down every situation possible which could happen in a marriage from a biblical point of view. The uniqueness within shows actual situations, between husbands and wives stated in the Bible, that we go through everyday. The chapter that really struck my interest spoke to the recent situation that recently happened in our nation that led a young man to murder innocent children due to divorce being the root. This book was written before the incident, but yet mentions incidents such as this as if it were in hindsight. I recommend this book to, not only married couples, but anyone with children, single parents, those who have been divorce, those who are contemplating divorce, and those who are thinking to be married one day. This book can be use as an instrument for counseling new couples or newly weds. I strongly recommend everyone to read it. It was very enlightening