Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

by Mindy Kaling


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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • “[Kaling is] like Tina Fey’s cool little sister. Or perhaps . . . the next Nora Ephron.”—The New York Times
Mindy Kaling has lived many lives: the obedient child of immigrant professionals, a timid chubster afraid of her own bike, a Ben Affleck–impersonating Off-Broadway performer and playwright, and, finally, a comedy writer and actress prone to starting fights with her friends and coworkers with the sentence “Can I just say one last thing about this, and then I swear I’ll shut up about it?” 
Perhaps you want to know what Mindy thinks makes a great best friend (someone who will fill your prescription in the middle of the night), or what makes a great guy (one who is aware of all elderly people in any room at any time and acts accordingly), or what is the perfect amount of fame (so famous you can never get convicted of murder in a court of law), or how to maintain a trim figure (you will not find that information in these pages). If so, you’ve come to the right book, mostly!
In Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, Mindy invites readers on a tour of her life and her unscientific observations on romance, friendship, and Hollywood, with several conveniently placed stopping points for you to run errands and make phone calls. Mindy Kaling really is just a Girl Next Door—not so much literally anywhere in the continental United States, but definitely if you live in India or Sri Lanka.
Praise for Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
“Where have you been all our lives, Mindy?”Glamour
“Who wouldn’t want to hang out with Mindy Kaling? . . . [Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?] is like a mash note to comedy nerds.”Time Out New York
“Very funny.”Boston Globe
“Like listening to a likably gabby friend chatter happily over generously poured glasses of red wine.”Washington Post
“[Kaling’s] comedic chops certainly shine throughout the book—as if we need more proof of her talent.”HuffPost
“Kaling doles out neurotic charm and hilarious every-woman musings.”Elle

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780307886279
Publisher: Crown/Archetype
Publication date: 09/18/2012
Pages: 240
Sales rank: 47,501
Product dimensions: 5.38(w) x 7.80(h) x 0.64(d)
Lexile: 1010L (what's this?)

About the Author

Mindy Kaling is an Emmy-nominated writer and actress on NBC's The Office. She is also the creator and star of FOX's The Mindy Project. You can find her on Twitter, or at her desk pretending to be writing a screenplay but actually online shopping with a memorized credit card number. She resides in Los Angeles. Her billing zip code is 90067

Read an Excerpt

Chubby for Life

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t chubby. Like being Indian, being chubby feels like it is just part of my permanent deal. I remember being in first grade, in Mrs. Gilmore’s class at Fiske Elementary School, and seeing that Ashley Kemp, the most popular girl in our class, weighed only thirty-seven pounds. We knew this because we weighed her on the industrial postal scale they kept in the teacher’s supply closet. I was so envious. I snuck into the supply closet later that same day to weigh myself. I was a whopping sixty-eight pounds.

Some of the first math I understood was that I was closer to twice Ashley’s weight than to her weight.

“Don’t be closer to twice a friend’s weight than to her actual weight,” I told myself. This little mantra has helped me stave off obesity for more than two decades.

My mom’s a doctor, but because she came from India and then Africa, where childhood obesity was not a problem, she put no premium on having skinny kids. In fact, she and my dad didn’t mind having a chubby daughter. Part of me wonders if it even made them feel a little prosperous, like Have you seen our overweight Indian child? Do you know how statistically rare this is? It will then not come as a surprise to you that I’ve never been thin in my life—except the day I was born, when I was six pounds.

It’s a small point of pride that I was a six-pound baby, because from my limited understanding of baby weights, that’s on the skinnier side. I flaunt my low baby weight the way really obese people must flaunt their dainty, small feet. It’s my sole claim to skinny fame.

As you can see, from then on, however, it was full-speed-ahead food paradise! In grade school, I would vacillate along the spectrum from chubby to full-on fat until I was about fourteen. Being overweight is so common in America and comes in so many forms that you can’t just call someone “fat” and have the reasonable expectation anyone will understand you. Here’s the breakdown:

Chubby: A regular-size person who could lose a few, for whom you feel affection.

Chubster: An overweight, adorable child. That kid from Two and a Half Men for the first couple of years.

Fatso: An antiquated term, really. In the 1970s, mean sorority girls would call a pledge this. Probably most often used on people who aren’t even really fat, but who fear being fat.

Fatass: Not usually used to describe weight, actually. This deceptive term is more a reflection of one’s laziness. In the writers’ room of The Office, an upper-level writer might get impatient and yell, “Eric, take your fat ass and those six fatasses and go write this B-story! I don’t want to hear any more excuses why the plot doesn’t make sense!”

Jabba the Hutt: Star Wars villain. Also, something you can call yourself after a particularly filling Thanksgiving dinner that your aunts and uncles will all laugh really hard at.

Obese: A serious, nonpejorative way to describe someone who is unhealthily overweight.

Obeseotron: A nickname you give to someone you adore who has just stepped on your foot accidentally, and it hurts. Alternatively, a fat robot.

Overweight: When someone is roughly thirty pounds too heavy for his or her frame.

Pudgy: See “Chubby.”

Pudgo: See “Chubster.”

Tub o’ Lard: A huge compliment given by Depression-era people to other, less skinny people.

Whale: A really, really mean way that teen boys target teen girls. See the following anecdote.

Duante Diallo

There have been two times in my life—ages fourteen and nineteen—when I lost a ton of weight over a short period of time. At fourteen, I lost the weight because of Duante Diallo.

In ninth grade, my class was made up mostly of the same kids with whom I had gone to middle school, with the exception of about twenty splashy new students. One of those students was Duante.

Duante Diallo was a handsome kid from Senegal who’d moved to Boston to play basketball for our school. He was immediately the star forward of our varsity basketball team. We had a not-great artsy-private-school basketball team, the kind made up of slender boys whose primary goal was to seem well-rounded for college applications. But you could tell Duante would’ve been the star of even a really good team. He was beloved by teachers because he was a brave kid for being so far away from his parents, and beloved by students because he was good-looking, a jock, and had an interesting African accent. Also, people couldn’t believe the stuff he had done in Senegal, like smoke, drive a car, have sex, live in a village, and hold a gun. When he was introduced at a student assembly, he chose to give a short speech where he taught us a sports cheer in Senegalese. In the hallways, small crowds would form around Duante as he shared stories from his past. Once he shot a cow with an AK-47. He was so popular you could barely look at him without being blinded by cool.

Duante was also, unfortunately, a tyrannical asshole. Maybe I should have gleaned this from the joy with which he told the story about murdering a cow with a massive gun. He fixated on me early in the year as being overweight and was open with his observations. At first it had the veneer of niceness. For example, once I was getting a drink of water in the hallway where he and his friends were standing.

Duante: You would actually be really pretty if you lost weight.

His face was gentle and earnest, as though what he had really said was, “You remind me of a sunset in my native Senegal.” It was confusing. All I could muster as a reply to this insulting comment was “thank you.” I was hurt, but I rationalized that maybe Duante had been around only extremely thin African girls his whole third-world life and didn’t know American girls had access to refrigeration, and that we didn’t have to divide up UN food parcels with our neighbors. (This may have been a tad racist an assumption on my part. Look, we were both in the wrong.)

By winter, I had not lost any weight, and in fact had gained about ten more pounds. This really bothered Duante. I think he felt he had gone out of his way to give me some valuable advice and I had chosen not to follow it, therefore insulting him. One day in February, I walked into the freshmen center, he stopped mid-conversation with his friends and gestured to me.

Duante: Speaking of whales . . .

I don’t even think they’d been talking about whales. The guys all laughed, but even I could tell some felt guilty doing it. I had been friends with most of them since we were kids. Danny Feinstein, who was my Latin study buddy, came up to me later that afternoon and told me that “What Duante said wasn’t cool.” He had a stoic look of noble do-gooder, although he had said nothing at the time of the insult. Again, I was forced to say thank you. How I continually found myself in situations where I felt I had to say thank you to mean guys, I’m not sure.

It was a tough winter. I had gone from competitive, bookish nerd to nervous target. If this was Heathers, I was Martha Dumptruck and this mean African kid was all three Heathers. I turned my obsessive teenage energy away from reading Mad magazine and focused on my diet. I didn’t have access to a lot of weight-loss resources, because this was pre-Internet. There was one Weight Watchers near us, but it shared a mini-mall parking lot with a sketchy Salvation Army, and my parents didn’t like the idea of taking me there for meetings. So I invented a makeshift diet formula: I would eat exactly half of what was put in front of me, and no dessert. Without exercising, I lost thirty pounds in about two months. A janitor at school whom I liked, Mrs. Carrington, would see me and say, “Damn, you’ve got a metabolism on you, don’t you girl?” The janitors were always in my corner.

I remember waking up in the morning and looking down at my fingers and seeing they had shrunk overnight. Suddenly I was freezing all the time, like those skinny girls in movie theaters are always complaining about, and needed to sleep with an extra wool blanket. My face thinned out, and my belly went away. I stopped wearing oversize college sweatshirts and corduroy pants with elastic waists. Light brown lines appeared on my upper inner arms that looked like little rivers headed to my shoulder blades. I actually thought they looked pretty, until my mom told me they were stretch marks from losing so much weight so fast. It was like a Disney sci-fi movie. Mom was impressed but didn’t want me to go overboard, which was impossible, because I was still eating a lot. I just had taken a break from eating like a professional football player. I loved all the side effects of losing the weight, but the reason I did it was so that Duante would stop making fun of me, so I could hang out in the freshmen center again, and not where I had been: across the street in the Fairy Woods.

I thought Duante would finally leave me alone, but he didn’t. One day I was walking down the hallway to class and passed Duante and his group of friends.

Duante: Remember when Mindy was like (blowing out his cheeks to make a fat face) a whale?

They all laughed. Come on, dude. Remember when? I’m getting made fun of because I used to be fat? The laws of bullying allow you to be cruel even when the victim had made strides for improvement? This is when I realized that bullies have no code of conduct.

Lucky for me, Duante was a bad student. English was his second language and that made everything harder for him. I delighted in the fact that he had to go to the middle school to take some of his classes. Sophomore year he broke his leg when he slipped during practice and collided with another student. For a short time he was even more popular, as sports injuries tend to make people, but then soon enough his crutches were tedious to people when he was slow-moving and hard to get around in the hallway. He didn’t play that season, and was never as good at basketball after the injury. He dropped out junior year, and I heard he got a girl pregnant. Part of me now feels a little bad for Duante Diallo, but not at the time. I was so happy. That fucking mean Senegalese kid.

An Intervention

I stayed at a pretty normal weight until college, when I put on the freshman thirty-five in the first six months. What’s that? You’ve never heard of the freshman thirty-five? That’s funny, because neither had my parents, who welcomed me home on spring vacation with mild horror. I was a vaguely familiar food monster who had eaten their daughter.

When I lost weight at nineteen, it was significant because that is when I first started exercising. I had always successfully avoided exercise as a kid, by being an extra in school plays, or signing up for fake-y sports like Tai Chi, or manipulating gym teachers into letting me read books in the bleachers. So it was at Dartmouth College, in 1999, that I discovered exercise when my best friend, Brenda, taught me how to run. I was a sloth upon whom Brenda took pity, and she saved me from near-obesity with the patience and tenacity of Annie Sullivan, the Miracle Worker.

Our workout routine was simple and mind-numbingly repetitive, an atmosphere in which I flourished, oddly. I started out walking for twenty minutes, and then Bren would make me do little spurts of running between lampposts or street signs. (For the record, Bren, a natural athlete, runs, like, a six-minute mile. This was an absolute waste of time for her. She was just doing this out of her well-brought-up Catholic kindness.) Then we’d come back to our apartment and do Abs of Steel together. Even though we mercilessly made fun of the video, which was from the deep eighties and included Tamilee Webb wearing aqua bike shorts and a pink thong leotard, we did it religiously. Tamilee had a rock-hard butt, and there was nothing ironic about it. The whole experience was surprisingly fun and cemented a friendship between Brenda and me for life. How can you not make a best friend out of a girl who has seen the sweat-soaked pelvis area of your gym pants, daily, and who still chooses to spend time with you? In this safe and friendly setting, I lost thirty pounds in a semester.

I Love Diets

I wish I could just be one of those French women you read about who stays thin by eating only the most gourmet foods in tiny, ascetic proportions, but I could never do that. First of all, I largely don’t like gourmet food. I like frozen yogurt. I think it tastes better than ice cream. I love diet soda; when I drink juice or regular soda it makes my blood sugar spike and I act like a cracked out Rachael Ray, but without the helpful household tips. I even like margarine, though everyone tells me it’s basically poison or whatever. So, that’s one thing I have going against me. Another obstacle is that my pattern is to eat exactly as much as whoever is hanging out with me, and between boyfriends and my tall athletic friends, we’re a bunch of huge eaters. I really do have a remarkable appetite. I remember when the news reports came out about Michael Phelps’s ten-thousand-calorie-a-day diet, and everyone was so shocked. But I just thought, yep, I could do that, no problem.

Ultimately, the main reasons why I will be chubby for life are (1) I have virtually no hobbies except dieting. I can’t speak any non-English languages, knit, ski, scrapbook, or cook. I have no pets. I don’t know how to do drugs. I lost my passport three years ago when I moved into my house and never got it renewed. Video games scare me because they all seem to simulate situations I’d hate to be in, like war or stealing cars. So if I ever lost weight I would also lose my only hobby; (2) I have no discipline; I’m like if Private Benjamin had never toughened up but, in fact, got worse; (3) Guys I’ve dated have been into me the way I am; and (4) I’m pretty happy with the way I look, so long as I don’t break a beach chair.

My love for dieting is a recent realization. It turns out I have a passion for trying out new eating plans and exercises. Dukan, South Beach, French Women Don’t Get Fat, Cavemen Don’t Get Fat, Single-Celled Organisms Don’t Get Fat, Skinny Bitch, Skinny Wretch—after a while on one regimen, I get bored and want to try a new one. It’s actually fun for me to read all the material and testimonials of the tan, shammy doctors who stand by the diets medically. It’s only a matter of time before the Jane Austen Diet comes out, and I’m really looking forward to spending a spring adhering to that one.

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

“She’s like Tina Fey’s cool little sister. Or perhaps… the next Nora Ephron.” —The New York Times
“The fashion opinions of Kelly Kapoor mixed with a Miss Manners-esque advice column.” —
“If you love Kelly and think the three minutes or so allotted her on episodes of The Office are too few, you can take home Mindy.” —The New Yorker
“Is anyone else kind of sold on the genius title alone?” —Nylon

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) is hilarious and relatable—just like Kaling’s classic Tweets.” —Ladies Home Journal

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Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) 4.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 710 reviews.
Tavie76 More than 1 year ago
I loved this (audio) book. I have to say, I am glad I purchased the audio version because so much of the humor is in Mindy's delivery. Mindy's delightful rambling is an invitation into the mind of a young, witty, charming, and hysterically funny woman. I found my self wanting to interject and converse with her because I became so wrapped up in the "conversation" we were having. As with most of the best conversations, Mindy travels from topic to topic relating her experiences and observations in a light hearted whimsical random fashion. She and I could hang all day long and talk about nothing while talking about everything at the same time. Does this review leave you curiously entertained, but no more informed that when we started? Good! That's how the book goes. And I loved it! Enjoy!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book was witty, light, cheerful and absolutely adorable! It's a quick read and even if you are not a fan of The Office it would still be enjoyable. Mindy is very down to earth and surprisingly easy to relate to. I think this book would make an excellent Christmas gift and plan on buying it for my sister.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I bought Kaling's book after hearing my 27year old daughter talk about it and I LOVE it! Kaling's humor is off-beat, creatively inspired, fabulously self-depricating, sharply critical of stupidity that abounds in society and in short excruciatingly funny. I am sorry that I am running out of pages as I approach the end of this book! Laugh-out-loud funny!! (I want more!)
EPO More than 1 year ago
I feel like everyone in the world should read Mindy's book - it is life changing. It is one of the funniest books I have ever read - even better than Tina Fey's "Bossypants," AND all of Chelsea Handler's books. I have purchased it for all of my friends.
vickytren More than 1 year ago
I was interested in this book and was not disappointed. Great read
booksonmynook More than 1 year ago
Loved it. Would buy it again if I could.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I was hesistant about this book at first as I thought it was going to be yet another cheesy Teenage-Self-Help book. To my surprise, I found myself engulfed and laughing out loud on more than one ocassion. A must read especially if you have been a transplant in search of career opportunities and failed miserably at it.
KrisLi More than 1 year ago
I've only read the Nook sample so far, but this book is not a self-help book, it is akin to Tina Fey's "Bossypants." Mindy Kaling explicitly says so in the Introduction to her book. It seems very funny and relatable so far, Im off to buy it now.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I've always liked Mindy on the office, so i decided to try her book out. I honestly didn't expect much from it. I usually stick to fiction. I loved this book. It was hilarious. It's so easy to connect with her, i felt like i was reading about my own life. My love for this book made me start watching her show. Mindy Kaling, you are hilarious!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This was a quick and funny read. Mindy Kaling seems very down-to-earth and easy to relate to, and she's very funny. I think this book would be enjoyable even to people who don't watch her show The Office.
MSherblom More than 1 year ago
This quick read made my day! I've never laughed so hard. I highly recommend it to any Woman that's having a bad day or just needs a good laugh. I couldn't put it down or stop talking about it!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Funny and snappy quick read that makes you fall in love with the all american indian girl! I love the humor that Mindy writes and the way she tells it just like you're thinking. Mindy is the kind of gal I would love to call my friend!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is hilarious. I picked it up at Target and randomly started to skim through it, and then ended up walking around the whole store reading out passages to my sister as we shopped. I bought it and when I was done reading it, I was a little sad. This book is just what you want from a comedian--it's hilarious not because she's trying to transpose her stand-up onto a book format with the horrible result of sounding like it's an endless stream of uninspired jokes (ahem, anything ellen degeneres has written), but its funny because of the way that she has written about her life. It's honest, engaging, light hearted, and hilarious. After this, I will read anything she writes.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
For girls who love to laugh & arent pretentious
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
If you like to laugh then read this book. This is a very easy, entertaining, fun read!
Dorf More than 1 year ago
I absolutely loved this book- it's easily relatable and a great fast read. She makes you think after you laugh, and that's always a great quality to find in a book like this. I would definitely recommend buying this !
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Very fun read! Shes relatable, quirky, smart....the works. Really enjoyed a look into Mindys brain!!!
readingatmidnight More than 1 year ago
This is a "non-traditional" autobiography: Kahling makes hysterical and honest observations throughout her life, as well as adding in thoughts on random subjects, which are also super funny. Its a simple, quick read, maybe a few nights worth of reading or a lazy afternoon. I laughed out loud in many parts and I am not a fan of The Office or SNL and still thought it was relateable and humerous throughout.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Loved Mindy ever since seeing her on the office. Love her even more now. Such a funny book
ElizabethNY More than 1 year ago
Very funny and relatable.. If you love Chelsea Handler's books you'll love this.
Anonymous 4 months ago
Anonymous 7 months ago
A very easy, fun read. Mindy is great and I learned a lot about her I didn't know. She's very down to earth and the kind of person you want to be friends with. Highly recommend!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Mindy is so relatable and reminds me of my own BFF and our nonsensical hilarious inside jokes.
preetalina on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Here's another deep, dark confession of mine (to accompany the one in my review of Life Itself): I don't watch The Office. I'm not really much into the humor of the show, or maybe I've never really given it a chance. I've only watched bits and pieces of random episodes here and there.But when I saw that Mindy Kaling had a book coming out, I knew I had to read it. Because how many Asians (India is part of Asia! Crazy, isn't it?) do you know that go into something offbeat like comedy and acting (it's definitely not being a doctor or engineer!) - and become successful at it?!The inevitable comparisons will be to Tina Fey's Bossypants but I don't think that's quite fair.This book kind of has me split. There were great parts and then there were parts that underwhelmed me. The stories about her childhood, growing up, her jobs, and working at The Office were really good. There were a couple of laugh-out-loud moments for me. But where the book lost me was in the "fluff" pieces, so-called by other reviewers here - for example, some of the pieces in the Romance and Guys section read like blog posts and I don't think they really added anything to the book.Overall, this was a super-fast, fun read, and great for a few laughs.
bookworm12 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Mindy Kaling is pretty hilarious. Though my love of The Office has waned in recent years, I still love that style of humor and this book provides more of the same. Kaling talks about everything from her childhood friends to her favorite moments in comedy. She mentions a brief stink as a writer on SNL, her fluctuating weight, her parents, etc. She manages to make all of these things both funny and relatable. I love that she starts out by referencing Tiny Fey¿s book. Since everyone else will obviously be comparing them, she preemptively notes that Fey¿s book is awesome and you should read it.I¿m not a big fan of Kaling¿s character, Kelly, on The Office, but I also realize that isn¿t really her, as Kaling herself points out many times. There are a few similarities, but Kaling is much smarter and funnier than her television counterpart. So if you think you might like this one, read it for a quick laugh and because you¿ve already read Bossypants.