It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy

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There’s no doubt about it—breakups suck. But in the first few hours or weeks that follow, there’s one important truth you need to recognize: Some things can’t and shouldn’t be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It’s called a breakup because it’s broken, and starting right here, right now, it’s time to dry your tears, put down that pint of ice cream, log out of his email, and open this book to chapter one—and start turning your breakup into a breakover.

From Greg Behrendt, coauthor of the smash, two-million-copy bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You, comes It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken—the ultimate survival guide to getting over Mr. Wrong and reclaiming your inner Superfox. From how to put yourself through “He-tox” to how to throw yourself a kick-ass pity party, Greg and his coauthor and wife, Amiira, share their hilarious and helpful roadmap for getting past the heartache and back into the game. You will learn:

Why you shouldn’t call him—and what he’s thinking when you do
How to keep your friends and not lose your job
How to avoid breakup pitfalls: IM-ing, stalking, having sex with your ex
Reframing reality—seeing the relationship for what it was
How to transform yourself into a hot, happening Superfox and get a jump on the better, brighter future that awaits

Complete with an essential workbook to help you put the crazy down on paper and not take it out into the world, It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken is a must-have manual for finding your way back to an even more rocking you.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780767922890
Publisher: Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale
Publication date: 09/27/2005
Sold by: Random House
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 288
Sales rank: 117,786
File size: 875 KB

About the Author

Comedian Greg Behrendt is the coauthor of the two-million-copy bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You. His acclaimed stand-up comedy has been seen on HBO, Comedy Central Presents . . . , The Tonight Showwith Jay Leno, Late Show with David Letterman, and Late Night with Conan O’Brien. A former consultant on Sex and the City, he lives with his wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, in Los Angeles with their two children.

From the Trade Paperback edition.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHHH! F*#k, it hurts. It’s rocking the very core of your being. You never saw it com­ing. You knew this was going to happen. You were going to do it first. You only broke it off with him before he broke it off with you. You guys were supposed to be together forever. You never liked him that much anyway. He was such a great kisser. The sex wasn’t that great. You really liked his family. He hated your friends. You hated his shoes. You miss him soooooo much. There’s no doubt about it–breakups suck. And now here you are holding this stupid “Breakup Book” because, quite honestly, you’d do anything not to feel like this and maybe this book will shed some light on what you’re going through. Maybe you’ll get some sleep tonight. Or stop sleeping all the time.

In these first few hours or days or weeks of your breakup, there’s one all-important truth that you need to recognize: Some things can’t and shouldn’t be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It’s over for a reason, and even if you’re in denial about it, deep down inside you prob­ably know what that reason is. Even if you feel baffled by his decision to end it, it boils down to the same thing every time: Your relationship, despite its promise, has ceased to be right for one or both of you. It is, in effect, broken. That doesn’t make the breakup any easier to handle or change the overwhelming nature of the sadness that you feel. But that sadness, in turn, doesn’t make it less broken. If you’ve reached this point, where one or both of you feel that walking away is the best course of action, the cracks are there. And starting today, you’re not the kind of woman who settles for broken or hangs on to damaged goods, be it a radio, a pair of shoes, or a relationship. Your life is not a yard sale. It’s time to get rid of all the broken stuff that you’ve been lugging around for days, months, and maybe even years, and make the bold decision to start looking for stuff that works. The bright, clean, simple, easy, runs-so-smoothly-I-don’t-even-have-to-think-about-it kind of works. Being the first one to recognize that a relationship isn’t a match doesn’t win you any great prize–just the guilt of having to hurt someone’s feelings. So even though you are clearly wounded, getting out of this bro­ken relationship is the best thing possible, even if you didn’t know it was broken until now.

“But some things can be fixed,”you say. True, but can your rela­tionship be fixed? Anything is possible, but we’d say probably not. Generally, if one person thinks that the breakup is the right move, they’re probably right even if it feels so wrong. Because unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn’t going to happen. Need more convincing? How about this: The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, “No, thanks. I’ll try my luck elsewhere.” Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn’t a match made in heaven and they’re not worth donning coveralls for. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

Right now, your mind is probably working overtime to come up with all the reasons that you should still be together. Your heart is hurting and your mind wants to find a way to undo the pain. Just remember, though, that any reasons you come up with are ultimately irrelevant. The harsh reality is that even if you have everything else in common, the one thing you don’t have in common is the belief that this relationship can work. That, my friend, trumps your shared love of puppies, The Dave Matthews Band, and Mexican food.

It’s hard not to rack your brain, searching for reasons why the two of you couldn’t make it work, but sometimes the only real answer is the simplest one: People come together and move apart. It’s the age-old ebb and flow of relationships. Some are shorter journeys, and others were meant for a lifetime. That goes for friendships as well. We become attached to what’s familiar and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable even if they’re bad for us. A lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is actually fear. Fear of things being different than how you liked them, fear of never finding another love, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill your time differently. We’re afraid of the unknown. The answer to all the questions swirling in your head– What will I do on weekends? Will I meet someone else?–is “You won’t know until you get there.” That’s hard, and it’s scary. But for the moment, you need to concentrate on what you do know–that you and he no longer share the belief that your rela­tionship has a future. It’s broken, and the longer you stay stuck in a dead-end relationship or spend your days mourning one, the less time you get on this planet to experience a great one.

So take a deep breath, steel yourself, and realize that this is going to hurt for a while. There is no quick remedy for the pow­erful sting of heartbreak, though we’re going to try to make it easier for you throughout the book. You’re going to feel like crap head to toe and run the gamut of emotions. Edgy, moody, angry, depressed, nauseated–you name it. In fact, the amount of time it takes for you to start feeling great about yourself again is directly proportional to how much it sucks right now–especially if you weren’t the one who broke it off. Because at the end of the day, someone you loved, trusted, and valued has rejected you, and that really smarts. It’s hard to not take it personally. But– and here’s the important part–the fact of the matter is, they’re wrong about you. Just because your relationship is broken doesn’t mean you are! No matter what happened between you, no mat­ter what you may or may not have done wrong, you are still a kick-ass person. And even though you might not believe it right now, this breakup is the first step toward finding someone truly worthy of your greatness.

But Greg, I’ve Got Questions

But how can a relationship just break with no warning?

Dear Greg,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have always had the perfect relationship. We moved in together last year and he started talking about getting mar­ried, having kids, the whole deal. He even took me to look at engagement rings a few weeks before Christmas, so naturally I assumed what would be under the Christmas tree for me. Since I thought I was getting an engagement ring, I maxed out my credit card to buy him a plasma TV for Christmas. Well, Christmas morning comes and he was shocked when he opened the plasma TV. But that was nothing compared to the shock when I opened his gift–a cashmere sweater and a necklace! What? Then, the next day, he tells me he’s not sure “I’m the one” and he thinks I should move out and we should take a break so he can figure some things out!! Now he’s got the apartment and the plasma TV that I’ll be paying off for the rest of my life. I’ve tried to remind him of how good we were together and that getting married was his idea, but he just keeps apologizing and telling me he needs time apart. How can somebody go from wanting to marry you to not even wanting to talk to you for no reason? What can I do to make him realize that we should be together?

Please write back.


Dear Plasma Giver,

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married. (My grandmother used to say that.) A lot of men think once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend. Sounds like your boy-friend’s one of them. The truth is that if he’s going to come to the conclusion that you guys should be together, he’s going do it on his own. There’s nothing you can do to make him want to be with you, and more important, want to marry you. One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes rela­tionships just end, often without reason. I truly believe that some­times both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning. What blows even more is that you were completely blindsided–even though the relationship was bro­ken on his end, he had clearly led you to believe you were in the same place emotionally. What a shitty new reality for you to get your head around now. But the sooner you do, the sooner you can get your head around this great new thought: HEY, SUPERFOX, YOU ARE HEADED SOMEWHERE FABULOUS AND THERE ARE GREAT POSSIBILITIES AHEAD. You should also let him know that the proper etiquette is that if a girl breaks off an engagement she should give back the ring. If a man breaks up with you, he should give back the TV.

But why didn’t he just break up with me instead of making me do it?

Dear Greg,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about eight months. At first we were just hooking up, but then we started really dat­ing, exclusively. We were practically living at each other’s houses, rarely spending even one night apart. He even gave me a drawer at his place and a toothbrush! So a few weeks ago he started acting weird, and I asked if something was wrong. He said that things had moved along faster than he’d anticipated, and that even though it freaked him out, he was really happy with the way things were going and cared about me more than he’d expected to. I thought, Great! Then he’s suddenly too tired to come over or has to get up early the next day so he doesn’t think I should spend the night. So we went back to only seeing each other a few nights a week. Not great. When he got really distant, I knew something was up, so I checked his e-mails on his Sidekick when he was in the bathroom. It was clear from all the e-mails between him and TamiLynn78 that he’d been seeing someone else. So I confronted him about it and he didn’t deny it, so I told him we were O.V.E.R. and stormed out of his apartment. Now, this is the part where he was sup­posed to come running after me–but he didn’t! He just let me go, and I haven’t heard from him since. What’s up with that? I really want him to want me back and feel remorse for hurting me. Is that too much to ask?


Dear Yes It Is Too Much to Ask,

First of all, I think it’s great you checked his e-mails instead of talking to him. Sounds like you had a great, open, trusting rela­tionship in which you dug around in his personal business while he cheated on you. Why did it have to end? I’m going to say this and it’s going to suck (but understand where I’m coming from). He broke up with you months ago and let you do the dirty work. It’s a weird, passive-aggressive trick that men have perfected for cen­turies. Chances are he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he behaved in a way that would make you break up with him. I call this the “Backhanded Breakup.” Men (and women) have done it for years. Not only that, but he had an escape plan involving another bed to crash on. What a scumbag! I’m sure he’s getting right on that remorse you were hoping for. The only thing he has done right is not contact you. You should gladly accept this radio silence because your relationship has been broken for a while, and get on with your grieving because you are moving on to something better.

But how do you know we’re not going to get back together?

Dear Greg,

My boyfriend of three years and I decided to move in together about a month ago. In fact, it was his idea. Since he had the bigger place, we agreed that I’d let go of my apartment and move in with him. Everything was perfect– we repainted in colors that we both liked and started fig­uring out what pieces of furniture we’d keep when we merged our stuff. Then, the day before I’m supposed to move, after I’ve already given notice at my apartment and it’s been rented, he tells me that he’s done some thinking and that I’m not “the one.” He thinks that living together is a mistake and a waste of time for the both of us because it only delays us “finding our destinies.” He’s an amazing person that I can’t imagine living without, and I know that if he’s given a little more time he’ll realize that we are each other’s destiny. Great guys aren’t a dime a dozen. And he obviously has really strong feelings for me if he wanted us to live together a few weeks ago! Don’t you think I should be patient with him if I really believe that we’re meant to be together?


Dear Destiny’s Child,

Maybe you huffed too many paint fumes, but he said the words you are “not the one.” That’s pretty conclusive as far as these things go, and despite the really awful timing, you’ve got to admire the guy’s honesty. He did it to save you both more time and pain down the line. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to enjoy it, but you do need to hear it. I know this hurts like a motherf*#ker, but it’s going to keep hurting if you don’t accept that it’s over. Plus he used the word “destiny.” What kind of New Age bullshit is that? People like to think they can control their destiny, but I think des­tiny is listening and seeing what’s really happening and then mak­ing the smart, albeit sometimes painful, decision to move forward without another person. If you guys are meant to be together, I’m sure his third eye will let him know and then he’ll surely move mountains to win you back. But I know for a fact that waiting for someone who may not be coming and being in pain are not your destiny. So realize that it’s called a breakup because it’s broken– and move on.

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It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken 4.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 152 reviews.
NomadiCat More than 1 year ago
An interesting, hip take on an age old problem. In this follow-up to "He's Just Not That Into You", Behrendt teams up with his wife, Amiira Rutola-Behrendt to present both sides of the problem. I personally enjoyed their tag team approach as each shared their own stories and allowed readers a glimpse into the mind of the opposite sex. The authors have a complementary and well- blended writing style that works well together while reminding the reader that there are two distinct people with entirely separate experiences and ways of handling the same situation. While often blunt, the book manages to avoid being preachy and generically over-optimistic. They deal with tough issues like alcoholism, obsessive behavior, and mindless self-indulgent pity parties without coming across as judgmental or self-righteous. Their strategy of openly and honestly discussing their own flaws and past mistakes makes for a sympathetic, but not enabling, read. Though the book is primarily focused on romantic relationships (and their slow, painful deaths), a friend of mine actually recommended this to me when I was having friendship issues. Thought skeptical, I tried it out and found that she was right- the book applies to breakups of all sorts, professional, social, and otherwise. A good resource for the self-conscious, self-referential, self-help generation.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I love this author. Very entertaining! I am the 'dumper' who has been struggling with whether or not to go back and try to work on the issues but this book helped me to see that the decision I made, although extrememly painful, was the right one. Going back would just be a temporary fix. I highly recommend this book...infact, I am going to buy a copy for my ex!
maggie82 More than 1 year ago
Although I didnt get any major eye opening advice from the book, I ended up feeling saner after reading all of the stories. The book is very funny, light to read, and reiterates that your relationship is over. Its like yet another friend telling you what you already know, its over, he sucks, you can do so much better! The advice it offers is very down to earth, what any girl should do, and although you will feel like you already know all that you are reading, its nice sometimes to be reminded what to do when you feel lost.
Mary_Suzanne_dela_Cruz More than 1 year ago
Sometimes we need to read a book in order for the common sense to kick in. This book brings nothing new to the table. It just reiterates what we instinctly know, but choose to ignore. But it is a good book that reminds us in a good-natured way to find someone who's actually worth keeping around.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
What an eye-opening book...I learned a lot about myself even when I didn't want to believe it. With humor, the authors worked me from "how could it happen to us, how do I get him back" to "why would I want him back".
Guest More than 1 year ago
So I heard about this book from a friend and she claimed that this book not only helped her but made her feel great and was extreamly funny. Wouldnt you know it about 5 months later I was in the same boat that she was in. Not good at all. It actually was a HORRIBLE breakup and I decided that maybe I should try this book out. IT WAS SO GOOD. My goodness the authors know exactly what they are talking about and I found myself laughing most of the time. This book is a great investment so I recommend getting it if your having a bad breakup! You WONT be disappointed.
Guest More than 1 year ago
A girlfriend of mine recommended this book to me. She had just gone through a very emotional break-up and said that this is what got her through the first 60 days. I have to agree. I carried it around with me the first 2-3 weeks and every time I felt weak, I opened it. No matter what page I read I instantly felt better--not perfect, but better because I was reminded that my ended relationship neither made me less of a great person nor signified the end of my opportunities at love. They are funny and honest--yes, often brutally so--but it works!!!
Guest More than 1 year ago
After eight months of dating a man who was always there for me, always looking to spend time with me and always telling me he loved me I saw that the relationship was going nowhere i.e. there was never any hint about the future. I realized 'He's not into me' and did not take it personally. However, because I had/have good self esteem I decided to take the bull by the horns and end the relationship myself. He claimed to be very upset. I then asked him what (if any) were his long term intentions with me and he told me that he 'Just wanted a long term girlfriend'. I explained that I needed someone who (at 44) could get out of the playpen and have a real life with a woman. I asked him why he did not tell me this in the first place. He said 'I thought I would lose you'. I read your book afterwards and found so much truth in it. I am now happily married becuase I allowed my mate to follow his primordial instincts that no woman's movement could hope to change as these instincts have taken two million years to develop!
Anonymous 7 months ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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MissConstantReader on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This book may well end up saving my life. And my waistline.
solicitouslibrarian on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
My friend Meghan recommended this book to me and it's laugh-out-loud funny in parts. It's both very sympathetic and no-nonsense--a rare combination. I'm having trouble adhering to some of its basic tenets, however I suspect that's my own fault and not the book's!
Jeng55 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
A perfect breakup buddy when you're feeling all alone during a painful breakup. This book really helped me get through some rough days and gave me the strength to live life to the fullest.
oupelai on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This book was great for a self-help book. It was funny and not condescending at all. While some advice was obvious, some others were very insightful. It helped me during difficult times.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Witty, helpful, and not your average pathetic self-help book. This was a clear and much needed kick in the ass during a very trying and confusing recomending it to all my girlfriends!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I thnk a breakup is the hardeest thing to get throug in life since u spend most of the time with that person and wen suddenly ur cut off u feel that u are not able to continue on life my opinion i dont think a book is going to help u heal i thnk it is time that helps the old wounds heal and just spending time with friends helps alot;)
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Berry_Heart More than 1 year ago
Simply amazing and very uplifting.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Lightskinnedkisha More than 1 year ago
Please read this book - it truly helped me . The book is a must read if you are going through a break up.  
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I am a nineteen year old that just went through my first breakup. The relationship lasted for almost two years and this guy had me wrapped around his finger. We were so in love and knew everything about each other. We spent every day together until we went to different colleges, he felt that the distance was too difficult and ended it. Its been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and this book has been there for me and helped me through my sadness. I feel like when I carry the book it makes me feel better. I'm not completely healed, but just reading the stories about other breakups makes me feel better because I know im not alone. You will be referred to as a "superfox" or a "hot mama" to make you feel better and get that encouragement to get up, realize this is for the best, and move on to someone better. I highly recommend this book!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago