How many times have you been manipulated or taken advantage of by someone's lies? Are you tired of being deceived, tricked, and fooled? Finally, renowned behaviorist David J. Lieberman shows you how to stop the lies and uncover the truth in any conversation or situation. In a simple, user-friendly format, Dr. Lieberman gives you the tools to determine, with uncanny accuracy, if you are being lied to.
Utilizing newly developed techniques in hypnosis and psycholinguistics, this book also shows you how to easily influence anyone to tell the truth within minutes. Use it in any situation, from casual conversation to in-depth interviews. Never Be Lied to Again is chock-full of colorful examples and engaging scenarios to help you keep from being taken advantage of and give you that extra edge. Use these groundbreaking techniques to take control of every personal and business situation...and never be lied to again.
|Publisher:||St. Martin's Press|
|Edition description:||First Edition|
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About the Author
David J. Lieberman, Ph.D., whose work has been translated into eleven languages, is an internationally recognized leader in the field of human behavior. He has appeared on more than two hundred programs and is a frequent guest expert on national television and radio shows such as "The Today Show," National Public Radio, "The View," PBS, "The Montel Williams Show," and A&E. Dr. Lieberman holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is the creator of Neural-Dynamic Analysis, a revolutionary short-term therapy. He is a sought-after speaker, lecturer, and consultant and lives in New York City.
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SIGNS OF DECEPTION
"He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."
— SIGMUND FREUD
This part contains a catalog of forty-six clues to deception, divided into seven sections. The clues can be used independently or in conjunction with one another. While some are excellent indicators by themselves, all clues should be viewed within the context of the situation at hand; they are not absolutes.
Some of these are so subtle that they can easily be missed unless you pay close attention. Others may be glaringly obvious. In some instances you'll be looking for lies of omission — what's missing that should be there. Other times you'll be dealing with lies of commission — things said or done that are inconsistent with the rest of the message.
Occasionally you won't have access to all these clues: you might be on the telephone, for instance, and not be able to see the body of the person you are talking to. It's not necessary to memorize these clues, for in time they will become second nature: you will gradually become more familiar with what to look for, what to listen for, and what to ask for, to get to the truth.
Certain variables such as gender, ethnicity, and cultural background can influence how we interpret various clues — the use of gestures and personal space, for example. For the most part, though, these factors are negligable and can be ignored.
Some of the clues draw on traditional psychological disciplines such as body language and psycholinguistics. These are used to detect discrepancies between the verbal and the nonverbal message. You will also be using more sophisticated methods developed as a result of my research in the field of human behavior. One such tool, psycholinguistic emphasis (PLE), involves the words that people choose to reflect their current psychological state.
Once you realize that you're being lied to, should you confront the liar immediately? Usually not. The best approach is to note the fact in your mind and continue with the conversation, trying to extract more information. Once you confront someone who has lied to you, the tone of the conversation changes and gathering additional facts becomes difficult. Therefore, wait until you have all the evidence you want and then decide whether to confront the person at that time or hold off to figure how you can best use this insight to your advantage.
Our fingers, hands, arms, and legs and their movements offer a fascinating insight into our true feelings. Most people aren't aware that their body speaks a language all its own; try as they will to deceive you with their words, the truth can be always silently observed.
You may already have read or heard about some of these clues, but they are only a small portion of the tactics that you will learn.
The Language of the Eyes
No or little direct eye contact is a classic sign of deception. A person who is lying to you will do everything to avoid making eye contact. Unconsciously he feels you will be able to see through him — via his eyes. And feeling guilty, he doesn't want to face you. Instead he will glance down or his eyes may dart from side to side. Conversely, when we tell the truth or we're offended by a false accusation, we tend to give our full focus and have fixed concentration. We lock eyes with our accuser as if to say "You're not getting away until we get to the bottom of this."
The Body Never Lies
The hands and arms are excellent indicators of deceit because they are used to gesture with and are more easily visible than our feet and legs. But hands, arms, legs, and feet can all give us information if we're watching carefully. When someone is lying or keeping something in, he tends to be less expressive with his hands or arms. He may keep them on his lap if he's sitting, or at his side if he's standing; he may stuff his hands in his pockets or clench them. Fingers may be folded into the hands; full extension of the fingers is usually a gesture of openness.
Have you ever noticed that when you're passionate about what you're saying, your hands and arms wave all about, emphasizing your point and conveying your enthusiasm? And have you ever realized that when you don't believe in what you're saying, your body language echoes these feelings and becomes inexpressive?
Additionally, if you ask someone a question and her hands clench or go palm down, this is a sign of defensiveness and withdrawal. If she is genuinely confused at the accusations or the line of questioning, her hands turn palm-up as if to say "Give me more information; I do not understand" or "I have nothing to hide."
Keeping Something In
When a person sits with his legs and arms close to his body, perhaps crossed but not outstretched, he is evincing the thought I'm keeping something in. His arms and legs may be crossed because he feels he must defend himself. When we feel comfortable and confident we tend to stretch out — claim our space, as it were. When we feel less secure, we take up less physical space and fold our arms and legs into our body, into what is almost a fetal position.
Displaying Artificial Movements
Arm movements and gestures seem stiff and almost mechanical. This behavior can be readily observed by watching unpolished actors and politicians. They try to use gestures to convince us that they're impassioned about their beliefs, but there's no fluidity to their movements. The movements are contrived, not natural.
The Unconscious Cover-up
If her hand goes straight to her face while she is responding to a question or when she is making a statement, this is often an indication of deceit. Her hand may cover her mouth while she is speaking, indicating that she really doesn't believe what she is saying to be true; it acts as a screen, an unconscious attempt to hide her words.
When she is listening she covers or touches her face as an unconscious manifestation of the thought I really don't want to be listening to this. Touching the nose is also considered to be a sign of deception, as well as scratching behind or on the side of the ear or rubbing the eyes.
This should not be confused with the posture associated with deep thought, which usually conveys concentration and attention.
The Partial Shrug
The shrugging of one's shoulders is a gesture that usually indicates ignorance or indifference: "I don't know" or "I don't care." If a person makes this gesture he or she usually means to communicate that very message. However, if this gesture is fleeting — if you catch only a glimpse of it — it's a sign of something else. This person is trying to demonstrate that she is casual and relaxed about her answer, when in fact she really isn't. Because what she feels isn't a true emotion, she doesn't really shrug.
This situation is similar to that of someone who is embarrassed by a joke but wants to pretend that she thinks it's funny. What you see is a "lips only" smile, not a big grin encompassing her entire face.
The person will make little or no eye contact.
Physical expression will be limited, with few arm and hand movements. What arm and hand movements are present will seem stiff, and mechanical. Hands, arms, and legs pull in toward the body; the individual takes up less space.
His hand(s) may go up to his face or throat. But contact with his body is limited to these areas. He is also unlikely to touch his chest with an open hand gesture.
If he is trying to appear casual and relaxed about his answer, he may shrug a little.
EMOTIONAL STATES: CONSISTENCY AND CONTRADICTION
Individual gestures need to be looked at by themselves and in relation to what is being said. In this section we're going to look at the relationship between words and the corresponding gestures. Besides obvious inconsistencies such as shaking your head from side to side while saying yes, more subtle but equally revealing signs of deception exist. These take place at both the conscious and the unconscious level.
Then there are times when we make a conscious effort to emphasize our point, but because the gesture is forced it lacks spontaneity and the timing is off. When you know what to look for, this is readily apparent.
Inconsistencies between gestures, words, and emotions are also great indicators, in that you're presented with a dual message. One example is a person who grins while she expresses sorrow to a friend whose spouse has left her.
Watch for what is known as the initial reaction expression (IRE). This is an initial expression of true feelings that may last for less than a second, just until the person you are observing has a chance to mask them. Even if you can't read the fleeting expression, the fact that it has changed is reason enough to suspect that the emotion you are currently seeing is false.
Timing Is Everything
If the person's head begins to shake in a confirming direction before or as the words come out, this is a good indication that he is telling the truth. However, if he shakes his head after the point is made, he may be trying to demonstrate conviction, but because it's a contrived movement — one not based on emotion — the timing is off.
Also look for hand and arm movements that punctuate a point after it's been made. The gesture looks like an afterthought because that's what it is. He wants to get his words out fast but realizes that maybe he should look really mad and play the part. Additionally, hand and arm movements will not only start late but will seem mechanical and won't coincide with verbal punctuation.
If you wanted to convince someone that you were angry when you really weren't, you would want to play the part and look angry. But there's more to it than that. The timing of that angry facial expression matters. If the facial expression comes after the verbal statement ("I am so angry with you right now" ... pause ... and then the angry expression), it looks false. Showing the expression before the "I'm so angry" line wouldn't indicate deceptiveness. It would only suggest that you are thinking about what you are saying or are having some difficulty in deciding how to express your anger.
Also, someone who believes in his words will be inclined to move his head on important syllables to drive home a point. Whether up and down or side to side, the head movement is supposed to punctuate particular points and ideas. A mechanical nodding without regard to emphasis indicates a conscious movement. These conscious movements are intended to show emphasis, but when a person is lying such movements are not part of the natural rhythm of the message.
Contradiction and Consistency
Not only is the timing important, but we need to pay attention to the type of gesture. The woman who frowns as she says she loves you is sending a contradictory message. An obvious incongruence between gestures and speech indicates that the speaker is lying. A good example is the man who tries to tell his girlfriend he loves her while shaking his fist in the air. Similarly, hands tightly clenched and a statement of pleasure are not in synch with each other. Make sure that the gesture fits the speech.
The Emotion Commotion
The timing of emotions is something that's difficult to fake. Watch closely and you probably won't be fooled. A response that's not genuine is not spontaneous; therefore, there is a slight delay in the onset of false emotion. The duration of the emotion is also off: The response goes on longer than it would in the case of genuine emotion. The fade-out — how the emotion ends — is abrupt. So the emotion is delayed coming on, stays longer than it should, and fades out abruptly.
The emotion of surprise is a great example. Surprise comes and goes quickly, so if it is prolonged it is most likely false. But when we are feigning surprise, most of us keep a look of awe plastered on our faces; this look won't really fool an aware observer.
The Expression Zone: Beware the Smile That Doesn't Seem Happy
Deception expressions are often confined to the mouth area. A smile that's genuine lights up the whole face. When a smile is forced, the person's mouth is closed and tight and there's no movement in the eyes or forehead. A smile that does not involve the whole face is a sign of deception.
While we're on this subject, be aware that the smile is the most common mask for emotion because it best conceals the appearance in the lower face of anger, disgust, sadness, or fear. In other words, a person who doesn't want her true feelings to be revealed may "put on a happy face." But remember, if the smile does not reflect a true emotion — happiness, for example — it will not encompass her entire face.
The timing is off between gestures and words.
The head moves in a mechanical fashion.
Gestures don't match the verbal message.
The timing and duration of emotional gestures will seem off.
Expression will be limited to the mouth area when the person is feigning certain emotions — happiness, surprise, awe, and so on.
You want to be aware of a person's posture in and of itself and in relation to his surroundings. How the person carries himself and behaves in relation to what he says is an excellent indication of his comfort level.
It's widely believed that when we are wrongfully accused we become defensive. In fact, generally speaking, only a guilty person gets defensive. Someone who is innocent will usually go on the offensive. If Mary and John are arguing and Mary accuses John of something, John doesn't automatically assume a defensive posture. If he is innocent and objects to what Mary is saying, he will go on the offensive. The following clues look at the distinctions between these two states of mind.
The Head Shift
If someone is uttering or listening to a message that makes her uncomfortable, her head may shift away from the one she is talking to. This is an attempt to distance herself from the source of the discomfort. If she is comfortable with her position and secure in her actions, she will move her head toward the other person in an attempt to get closer to the source of information. Watch for an immediate and pronounced jerking of the head or a slow deliberate withdrawal. Either may happen.
This action is very different from — and should not be confused with — a slight tilt of the head to the side. This occurs when we hear something of interest. It's considered to be a vulnerable pose and would not be adopted by a person with something to hide.
The Posture of a Liar
When a person feels confident about a situation and conversation, he stands erect or sits up straight. This behavior also indicates how people feel about themselves in general. Those who are secure and confident stand tall, with shoulders back. Those who are insecure or unsure of themselves often stand hunched over, with their hands in their pockets.
Studies have shown that the best way to avoid being mugged is to walk briskly, with your head up and your arms moving. Such a style of moving conveys confidence. A conversation that produces feelings of confidence or those of insecurity will produce the concomitant physical posture.
If She's Headed for the Door ...
Just as we move away from someone who threatens us physically, the person who feels at a psychological disadvantage will shift or move away from her accuser. When we feel passionate about our ideas, in an attempt to persuade the other person, we move toward him. The liar is reluctant to move toward or even face the source of the threat. She turns sideways or completely away and rarely stands squared off. The face-to-face demeanor is reserved for the person who seeks to refute a slanderous statement. This is not the case when there's deceit.
Also look for a movement in the direction of the exit. Feeling uncomfortable, she may angle her body or actually move toward the exit. While standing she may position her back to the wall. Her psychological exposure causes her to seek physical refuge. Feeling verbally ambushed, she wants to make sure that she can see what's coming next. Those who are confident and comfortable don't mind taking center stage.
If He's Not Touchin', He's Probably Bluffin'
The person who is being deceitful will have little or no physical contact with the one he is talking to. This is an excellent and quite reliable indicator. While making a false statement, or during a conversation containing one, the liar will rarely touch the other person. He's unconsciously reducing the level of intimacy to help alleviate his guilt. Touch indicates psychological connection; it's used when we believe strongly in what we're saying.(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Never Be Lied To Again"
Copyright © 1998 David J. Lieberman, Ph.D..
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of ContentsIntroduction: The Process and the Power..............................1
What's in This Book and How to Use It................................2
PART I. SIGNS OF DECEPTION
PART II. BECOMING A HUMAN LIE DETECTOR
PART III. TACTICS FOR DETECTING DECEIT AND GATHERING
INFORMATION IN CASUAL CONVERSATIONS...................................
PART V. ADVANCED TECHNIQUES
PART VI. PSYCHOLOGY ON YOUR SIDE
PART VII. INTERNAL TRUTH BLOCKERS: WE LIE LOUDEST WHEN WE LIE
PART VIII. EXTERNAL TRUTH BLOCKERS: TRICKS OF THE TRADE
The Process and the Power
Honesty is at the cornerstone of every relationship, whether it's business or personal. Being aware of someone else's true intentions is undeniably valuable, often saving you time, money, energy, and heartache. When you know a person's true intent, you have the power to control the situation, or at the very least not be taken advantage of.
There is no greater ability than consistently and constantly making the right decisions in life. Remember, though, your decisions are only as solid and right as the facts that you base them on. You will learn how to get at the message beneath the words, how to know what people are thinking when they don't say what's really on their mind. A former client of mine put it best when she said, "It's like having a man inside their camp -- an outpost in their head."
In an ideal society there would be no need for lies or for this book. But we live in a world of deception. And whether you want to play or not, you're in the game. The question is, do you want to win? In romance you need never play the fool again. In business you'll get the upper hand. Wherever and whenever you deal with people, you'll have the tools to come out a winner.
What's in This Book and How to Use It
I'm what is affectionately referred to as a hired gun, a specialist in the field of human behavior. As a board-certified hypnotherapist with a Ph.D. in psychology, I represent corporations as well as private individuals, and offer a type of leverage that many high-paid attorneys, top-notch accountants, and seasoned executives cannot.
Too often we miss the meaning behind the message. As you know, people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say. This book focuses on the truth and how to get at it.
To be an effective negotiator, you must use many strategies and techniques, all of them relying upon the accuracy of the information you're given. The answers you get from the world's most powerful supercomputer are worthless if the numbers you give it to work with are wrong.
We often forget how easily facts can get lost in a conversation, negotiation, or interrogation. Abraham Lincoln is said to have posed the following question: "How many legs would a sheep have if you called its tail a leg?" "Four," explained Lincoln. "Because calling its tail a leg doesn't make it one."
While people lie for many different reasons, their lying rarely benefits the person lied to. And there's that one undeniable truth about lying. Everybody does it, but nobody likes it when it's done to them.
It takes at least two people for a lie to be effective -- one to offer the lie and one to believe it. And while we certainly can't stop people from trying to lie to us, we can keep them from being successful.
This book is divided into eight parts, each of which explores a facet of lying. The innovative techniques in this book will help you figure out if you're being lied to. If you are the victim of a deception, they will assist you in getting at the truth and in gaining control over the situation. Many of the examples in this book are drawn from personal relationships and business situations; certainly most of us can identify with these scenarios.
Signs of Deception
This book picks up where others leave off, going well beyond observing body language clues. The first part offers a catalog of forty-six clues to deception, divided into seven sections. Some of the clues involve the fundamentals of body language, while others use more advanced techniques and processes such as psycholinguistic emphasis and neural linguistic choice perception. Each section concludes with a summary for easy reference.
Becoming a Human Lie Detector
"We often fly blind into verbal combat." That is to say, we usually think of the questions we should have asked two days after the battle is over. This section offers a specific game plan to detect deceit, detailing exactly what to say and when to say it. This sophisticated system involves choosing from a variety of scripted sequences, each from a different psychological angle. Each script includes a primer, an attack sequence, and silver bullets.
Tactics for Detecting Deceit and Gathering Information in Casual Conversations
Now what about those times in casual conversation when you think someone might be lying to you, but a full-fledged interrogation is out of the question? This section provides phenomenal techniques for gathering more information without being obvious. You will also learn how to steer a conversation in any direction that you choose in order to get the information that you want. This section also covers those times when different tactics are necessary for getting to the truth, instances where you may not have the leverage you need. The psychological process is different than if you were coming from a position of strength.
"Mind Games" includes two simple techniques that provide extraordinary results. When you use the first, almost no one will be able to lie to you. When you employ the second, you will be able to discern anybody's true intentions and motivation in any situation.
This section presents the most advanced and groundbreaking techniques for getting at the truth. Using a blend of hypnosis and a system I have developed called Trance-Scripts, you'll be able to give commands directly to people's unconscious minds -- all in conversation and without their awareness. Through this process you can persuade others to tell the truth.
Psychology on Your Side
This part explores the ten fundamental laws of human behavior, the principles that govern our thinking. Once you learn these laws, you'll know how to get the truth out of anyone. With an understanding of how the brain processes information, you will be able to easily influence other people's decisions.
Internal Truth Blockers
Here's the biggest truth in a book about lying: we lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. We all know someone who absolutely refuses to believe that his or her spouse is unfaithful, despite all the warning signs. This section shows you how to become aware of and eliminate those internal blockers that keep you from seeing what's really going on.
External Truth Blockers
This section lets us in on the psychological secrets of the experts. You will discover how the pros -- from professional poker players to master negotiators -- keep you from perceiving the facts in an objective fashion, even affect your ability to evaluate information. The influence of the pros is enormous; they can have a powerful impact on your perception of reality -- unless, of course, you've read this book and can outthink them.
Excerpt from NEVER BE LIED TO AGAIN, copyright © 1998 by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
I have read the negative reviews and strongly disagree with some of them. I am in law enforcement and I agree it is useful for those in the law enforcement career. I also agree that some of the techniques, if used in the wrong situation, can be damaging in a relationship. That being said, I do not agree it is only for law enforcement or that it will ruin relationships. Some of the techniques are quite useful in the right settings. You must also know when and how to use them. There are times when it is necessary to lie, for example, to save a life (if a loved one is on drugs or engaging in criminal activities). If you are trying to get the truth out of a teen who is suspected of doing drugs and being truthful and honest hasn't worked then this book will give techniques that can help get the truth out. Sometimes we lie to spare someone's feelings ("Do I look good in this dress?"), therefore, I don't think lying is always a no-no. It is sometimes necessary to maintain relationships or protect loved ones. The techniques in this book aren't for everyday use, they are for specific situations to use for the greater good...getting to the truth so things can be corrected. If anyone disagrees please do not respond with insults, I am only giving my opionion.
If anyone thinks this book is completely useless, they're biased in ways they probably aren't even aware of. There is a lot of information in it and whether or not people like the techniques, everyone who has read it learned at least a few things from it. The book has helped me figured out who my real friends are. I also showed this book to my friends and we happily discussed it. There was no conflict at all...my friends didn't accuse me of not trusting them or asked if I tested them with it. The innocent has nothing to hide. I wouldn't mind it if someone used these techniques on me to see if I were lying. I would be happy that my friends are intelligent and cautious. It will also indicate to me that I haven't opened up enough. Suspicion is not something that we have control over. I rather have my friends tell me the truth and let me know that they don't completely trust me so we can work out our problems. It's being real. Trust is an essential part of strong relationships but trust takes time to build. I can't just say: "I should trust you, therefore I trust you." Just because I want to trust someone doesn't necessarily mean it will happen automatically. Trusting people blindly leads to being taken advantage of. Aside from that, anyone with an open mind will learn something from it. On a certain level, it is manipulative and people may be offended. However, saying that it is a horrible book because of that is absurd. This book was well put together. It is easy to understand, easy to read, and the techniques are easy to apply in real life.
This is a really helpful book. Most of it's common sense, but toward the end you get into the more in-depth ways to try and not only get the truth out of someone, but also to stop lying to yourself and to recognize when someone's trying to deceive you.
I've been reading the book and it brings some really interesting insights on how people think and act and can help us better understand why someone would lie.
I'm reading this piece of bs because a college professor who I'm seeing for therapy recommended it when he saw I was reading 'Why We Lie' by David L.Smith. NO comparison. Smith's book wins hands down. Lieberman's attempt to help us spot liars or teach us how to lie better (which is it?) is so simplistic, he stretches the truth beyond belief for all but the most naive among us. I'm half-way through and thought I'd push through it for the sake of my client but I feel like it's so little meat and so much fat, I may just fib and say I'm done. I like the college prof but he's not as smart as I thought he was. Read Smith's book on this subject. It's fascinating. I'm really amazed by what gets on the New York Times Bestseller list....says a lot about us, doesn't it? No wonder this country is so messed up.
although it has some interesting psychological techniques, mostly towards the end of the book, it is ironic that many of the suggested techniques depend on making assumptions, bending the truth, lying or misleading. It shows many sample conversations,where a particular question or statement is supposed to railroad your 'opponent' into 'confessing'. However there are many alternatives for the opponent to take or say, not just the ones Dr Lieberman assures us would happen. Getting the truth he promises can by no means be guaranteed, as he appears to do. However in many cases what he advises you to say to try to get your opponent to tell the truth can seriously damage your relationship if he was telling the truth.
David brings up many great pionts and has very good techniques! I'm going to purchance his next book because the infermation in this book is so stunning!
I read the book once and now I¿m reading through it again. The book is far and away more comprehensive and practical than any training I¿ve received. I work as a loss-prevention specialist for a large retail company, and have read everything on the subject. Nothing comes close to matching the ease and effectiveness of the techniques in this book. This book is as fascinating as it is effective.
You cannot use law-enforcement tactics in a personal relationship. You will erode trust and make your partner defensive. This should be standard reading for law enforcement, and nobody else.