Sh*ts and Giggles: The Ultimate Bathroom Joke Book

Sh*ts and Giggles: The Ultimate Bathroom Joke Book

by Katie Adams

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Overview

Get your sh*ts and giggles from this hilarious all-in-one joke, trivia, and riddle collection!

A hilarious collection of one-liners, funny trivia, riddles, and laugh-out-loud jokes for adults, Sh*ts & Giggles is the bathroom book the world needs. With hundreds of ways to make you laugh while you’re otherwise indisposed, Sh*ts and Giggles will be the must-have “loo lit” book on the market.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781250164100
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Publication date: 04/10/2018
Pages: 256
Sales rank: 743,082
Product dimensions: 5.65(w) x 7.53(h) x 0.68(d)

About the Author

KATIE ADAMS is a writer and contributor to over 30 bestselling trivia, nonfiction, and humor books. She also provides the insatiable void of the internet with endless hours of entertaining content. In her free time, Katie enjoys practicing her epigrammatic wit on her tolerant and loving family in the Pacific Northwest.

Katie is the author of Sh*ts and Giggles.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T EVER SAY, TELL, HEAR, OR THINK

SUPER INAPPROPRIATE JOKES THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL IN POLITE COMPANY

Best to just keep these to yourself.

What should you do if you come across an old woman crossing the street?

Apologize and wipe it off.

* * *

What is the best way to ensure a guy will remember the color of your eyes?

Be an A cup.

* * *

How is parenting like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll, or dealing with a bunch of shit.

* * *

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

One cuts 'em, the other sucks 'em.

* * *

Why did the prostitute ask for a loan?

She needed a bit of help until she got off her feet again.

* * *

Why did the man cry when he masturbated?

He was a tearjerker.

* * *

What type of bird gives the best blow jobs?

A swallow.

* * *

What did the off-duty prostitute say to the man in the car?

"Beat it, I'm off the clock."

* * *

What did the man's poop smell like?

Shit.

* * *

ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS YOU CAN CALL BULLSHIT

Let's face it: Our world is full of more bullshit now than ever before. Which is to say you should have more than one word for it in your arsenal the next time you need to call it out.

Baboonery Balderdash Balls Ballyhoo Batshit Bird turd Blarney Blather Bollocks Bull farts Bunk bull Cock and bull Codswallop Cowyard confetti Crap Crapspackle Crock Donkey dust Drivel Flapdoodle Flim-flam Gobble-gabble Hocus-pocus Hogwash Horse feathers Horse shit Irish bull Jibber jabber Load Macaroni Malarkey Mumble jumbo Nitshit Phooey Pish and tush Poppycock Posh posh Rhubarb Rubbish Shit sandwich Shite Trumpery Twaddle Weasel words Yakety-yak

NOT-SO-SEXY FORTUNES

We've all played that game at a Chinese restaurant where you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune cookie fortune. Here are some actual fortunes that will make your game delightfully awkward.

You will get a visit from an unexpected relative.

You will have many children.

A friend asks only for your time, not your money.

Don't confuse recklessness with confidence.

A person is never too old or too young to learn.

Never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.

It's amazing how much good you can do if you don't care who gets the credit.

A stranger is just a friend you haven't met.

You can make your own happiness.

There is no greater pleasure than seeing your loved ones prosper.

What's Black And White And Read All Over?

The original answer is "newspaper," but those don't exist anymore. Nor is it a very exciting answer. So here are some better ones that play Jedi mind tricks with that nice little homophone.

What's black and white and red all over?

An embarrassed skunk.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A zebra in a red sweatsuit.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburned penguin.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

Oreos dipped in strawberry jam.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A referee who spilled cherry Kool-Aid on himself.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A panda that spilled some paint.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A penguin in a blender.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A panda in a red dress.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A zebra with a rash.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A skunk dipped in ketchup.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A polar bear eating a penguin.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper with a printing error.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A poorly colorized black-and-white movie.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

The devil in a tuxedo.

* * *

What's black and white and red all over?

A zebra who is a Communist.

MORE EUPHEMISMS FOR "FART" AND "FARTING" THAN YOU WILL EVER NEED

Not to blow a bunch of hot air, but this page stinks.

A panty burp Sphincter whistle Pop tart Fanny beep Anal exhale Anal exaltation Cornhole clap Hot wind Crack splitter Butt yodel Cheek squeak Taint tickler Taint ripper Seam breaker Grundle rumbler Trouser trumpet Pants music Anus applause Benchwarmer Rectal turbulence Blowing the sparkplugs Hummerrhoids Cutting muffins Going colon bowlin'
THE ULTIMATE BATHROOM PLAYLIST

Music to take a poop to.

"Make 'Em Say Uhh!" Master P

"Release the Beast," Breakwater

"Help!" The Beatles

"U Can't Touch This," M.C. Hammer

"Chocolate Town," Ween

"The Waiting Is the Hardest Part," Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

"That Smell," Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Thick as a Brick," Jethro Tull

"Taking Care of Business," Bachman-Turner Overdrive

"Push It," Salt-N-Pepa

"Whip It," Devo

"Da Doo Ron Ron," The Ronettes

"Drop It Like It's Hot," Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell

"Chocolate Rain," Tay Zonday

"Under Pressure," Queen and David Bowie

"In the Air Tonight," Phil Collins

"Big Log," Robert Plant

HELEN KELLER JOKES

Keller is an inspiration and a true hero, earning a doctorate, writing books, and lecturing around the world despite being both blind and deaf. For this she deserves our admiration, respect ... and a page of crass jokes.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

She got set up on a blind date.

* * *

Have you heard about the Helen Keller Alphabet?

It's just like the regular alphabet, except that there's no C.

* * *

Why was Helen Keller late for work?

She got arrested for drunk driving.

* * *

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Black.

* * *

What's Helen Keller's other favorite color?

Corduroy.

* * *

What's Helen Keller's other other favorite color?

Velcro.

* * *

Did you hear Helen Keller got in a car accident?

She didn't check her blind spot.

* * *

How come Helen Keller can't drive very well?

Because she's a woman.

* * *

Why else can't Helen Keller drive very well?

Because she's been dead for 50 years.

* * *

Did you know that Helen Keller had psychic abilities?

She really seemed to have a fourth sense.

* * *

Helen Keller loved to play tennis.

For her, it was eternal love.

* * *

Why couldn't Helen Keller play high school football?

Because she was an adult.

* * *

What's the worst present Helen Keller ever received?

A Rubik's Cube.

* * *

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her for swearing?

They washed her hands out with soap.

* * *

How do you know if Helen Keller has recently brushed her teeth?

The Gleem in her eye.

* * *

Helen Keller walked into a bar.

And several other things as well.

* * *

Why did Helen Keller like birthday parties?

Because she didn't have to wear a dumb blindfold before she hit the piñata.

CHAPTER 2

SPORTS!

SPORTS TERMS THAT SOUND DIRTY ... BUT AREN'T

For those of you who laugh whenever the announcers on TV say, "end zone."

"Loose ball foul"
More Than Fore Golf Jokes

These jokes are a hole in one! (Sorry.)

Did you hear about the woman who got stung by a bee while golfing?

It was right between the first and second hole.

* * *

Why do men love golf?

Because there are 18 holes.

* * *

What's the difference between a lost golf ball and a clitoris?

A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball.

* * *

Did you hear about the rookie golfer who got arrested for indecent exposure?

He misunderstood what the ball washer was for.

* * *

A golfer tees up at his favorite course, which is next to a river. He sees a couple of fishermen and says to his friend,

"Look at those morons fishing in the rain."

* * *

Did you hear about the golfer who died on the third hole?

The rest of his foursome wore themselves out dragging him around until the 18th hole.

* * *

This one golfer spent so much time in the bunker that he started getting Hitler's mail.

* * *

Golf: For when you're too out of shape for bowling.

* * *

Why do golfers always carry an extra pair of pants?

In case they get a hole in one.

* * *

What's the name for that huge place full of hundreds of doctors?

A golf course.

* * *

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn!" A bad skydiver goes, "Damn!" WHACK.

* * *

A golfer was having such a bad round that he told his caddy, "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

The caddy replied, "There's no way you could keep your head down for that long."

* * *

How are golf balls like eggs?

They're white, you buy them by the dozen, and you run out of them after a couple of days.

* * *

Why are golf and sex so similar?

You can enjoy them both even if you're really bad at them.

* * *

Do you know why it's called GOLF?

All the other four-letter words were taken.

GAMBLING JOKES

Gambling isn't a sport, but it does involve a high level of risk and fortunes being made or lost in seconds.

* * *

Did you hear about the compulsive gambler's wife who left?

He lost her in a hand of blackjack.

* * *

What has tiny balls and constantly screws old people?

A bingo cage.

* * *

Why did the guy quit his job at the casino?

He just couldn't deal.

* * *

Why is online poker better than playing in a casino?

No man wants another man to watch him have a bad beat.

* * *

Why don't vampires like to gamble?

The stakes.

* * *

What's the difference between a gambler and a politician?

Even politicians tell the truth once in a while.

* * *

What did the compulsive gambler say after his wife left him?

"I'd do anything to win her back!"

* * *

Who is every gambler's favorite relative?

Their aunty.

* * *

What do magazines and gamblers have in common?

In the end, they always fold.

* * *

Why should you never play poker in the Serengeti?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

* * *

EXTREMELY DISGUSTING WORLD RECORDS

These people make being disgusting seem like an athletic accomplishment.

IN 1999, A MAN ENTERED A HOSPITAL in Saudi Arabia and was diagnosed with an enlarged kidney. Doctors treated an obstruction in urine flow and removed 5.8 gallons of urine from the kidney. That's a world record for worst kidney blockage.

* * *

A BRITISH MAN NAMED WILLIAM MCILROY had a condition called Munchausen syndrome, a mental disorder that leads the patient to fake medical problems because they like the attention. Between 1929 and 1979, McIlroy — using 22 fake identities — underwent more than 400 operations at 100 different hospitals. All of them were unnecessary.

* * *

IN TERMS OF NECESSARY SURGERIES, that honor goes to Charles Jensen of South Dakota. Between 1954 and 1994, he went through 970 operations to remove facial tumors caused by a genetic disorder.

* * *

IN 2010, ARGENTINE DOCTORS REMOVED an 8.7-pound tumor from the uterus of a 54-year-old woman. That one was found to be cancerous. As far as noncancerous tumors go, in 1991 the Stanford University Medical Center needed six hours of surgery to remove a benign 303-pound tumor from a 34-year-old woman.

* * *

NORMAL BLOOD GLUCOSE LEVEL: ABOUT 90 TO 100. Anything significantly higher than that means you've probably got diabetes. A seven-year-old boy named Michael Buonocore checked into a Pennsylvania hospital — and was diagnosed with diabetes — when his blood sugar topped out at 26,656.

* * *

PASSING A KIDNEY STONE that's the size of a grain of sand is painful. Sandor Sarkadi had his stone surgically removed in 2009: a 2.48-pound, coconut-size kidney stone.

* * *

AS FAR AS THE MOST KIDNEY STONES PASSED — all of them tiny, but still — the record belongs to Canadian man Donald Winfield, who spent most of August of 2006 naturally passing 4,504 kidney stones.

* * *

HERE'S A TOP PICK! Josh Werner of Connecticut fit a record 2.25 inches of his finger into his nose. (It was his pinky, if you're curious.)

* * *

IN 2008, WESLEY WARREN SUFFERED A MEDICAL TRAUMA to the groin, which made his scrotum swell largely and quickly. When he finally got an operation to reduce the swelling, his scrotum weighed 160 pounds.

* * *

THEY LIKE THEIR BEANS IN ENGLAND, perhaps none more so than Bernard Clemens of London. He holds the record for the single longest fart: It lasted for a full three minutes.

* * *

WEIRD SPORTS INJURIES

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES: THEY'RE BIG, STRONG, TOUGH, AND EASILY FELLED BY BRAS, SHIRTS, AND BAGPIPES.

Baseball Hall of Famer Ken Griffey Jr. once missed some games when his protective cup pinched one of his testicles.

* * *

One night, baseball player Glenallen Hill was fast asleep and had a nightmare about spiders. He violently fell out of bed and into a glass nightstand. He suffered such severe cuts to his hands and body he wound up on the injured list.

* * *

Relief pitcher John Smoltz burned several parts of his body when he put on a too-hot, freshly ironed shirt.

* * *

Strikeout king Nolan Ryan hurt his hand when he stuck it into an enclosure holding three coyotes. One of the coyotes bit his hand.

* * *

Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Glenn Healy needed 40 stitches for a gash on his hand that he got cleaning his bagpipes.

* * *

Pitcher Adam Eaton tried to cut the cellophane off a DVD, but his hand slipped and he stabbed himself in the stomach.

* * *

Kevin Mitchell chipped his tooth when he bit into a frozen doughnut that hadn't been properly thawed.

* * *

NBA star Lionel Simmons developed tendonitis in his hands from playing too much Game Boy.

* * *

Somehow, some way, pro soccer goalie David Seaman broke a bone reaching for a remote control in a hotel room.

* * *

Kim Clijsters couldn't fully participate in the 2011 French Open because she hurt her ankle dancing at a wedding.

* * *

Roger Craig didn't get his weird injury until he became the manager of the San Francisco Giants. He had a cut-up and bandaged hand — he somehow cut himself while trying to get a woman's bra off in the bedroom.

* * *

NFL kicker Bill Gramatica made a 42-yard field goal and jumped up and down in celebration. Then he landed on his foot wrong and tore a muscle in his kicking leg.

* * *

Golfer Bobby Cruickshank was in the lead during the final round of the 1934 U.S. Open. The only real trouble he had all day was on the eleventh hole, when he hit a bad shot ... but then the ball bounced off a rock and landed on the green. Cruickshank was so happy that he threw his club into the air ... and it fell onto his head. He wound up finishing in third place.

(Continues…)



Excerpted from "Sh*Ts and Giggles"
by .
Copyright © 2018 St. Martin's Press.
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Title Page,
Copyright Notice,
1 Stuff You Shouldn't Ever Say, Tell, Hear, or Think,
Super Inappropriate Jokes That You Should Never Tell in Polite Company,
All the Different Ways You Can Call Bullshit,
Not-So-Sexy Fortunes,
What's Black and White and Red All Over?,
More Euphemisms for "Fart" and "Farting" Than You Will Ever Need,
The Ultimate Bathroom Playlist,
Helen Keller Jokes,
2 Sports!,
Sports Terms That Sound Dirty ... But Aren't,
More Than Fore Golf Jokes,
Gambling Jokes,
Extremely Disgusting World Records,
Weird Sports Injuries,
3 Are You Ready to Rock, and Also, If There's Time, Roll?,
Rock Star Jokes,
What Happens When You Replace the "Baby" in Famous Song Titles with "Grandma",
Drummer Jokes,
Marx or Marx?,
Answers to Question Songs,
4 Love and Other Silly Things,
Quiz: Small American Town or Porn Film?,
Not-So-Dirty Riddles,
Instant Relationship-Killers,
The Worst Things to Say While Climaxing,
Roses Are Red, Violets are Blue (For Grown-Ups),
Masturbation Euphemisms,
Sex Jokes,
Things to Never Call Your Fists If You Actually Want to Sound Tough,
Things to Call Boobs to Ensure That Nobody Will Ever Want to Touch Them,
Terrible Ways to Break Up with Someone,
Actual Names from Real Wedding Announcements,
Robot Pick-Up Lines,
Fuck, Marry, Kill,
5 NNNEEERRRDDDSSS!!!!,
The Best Words You Can Type On an Upside-Down Calculator,
Smart People Jokes,
Bible Phrase Origins,
Funny Acronyms,
Slightly Dirty Palindromes,
Science Jokes,
Celebrity Name Anagrams,
Quotes about Quotes,
6 Health Scare,
The Hemorrhoid Jokes Are a Real Pain in the A**,
Fearsome Phobias,
Rectum? It Nearly Killed Him!,
Filling the Void,
Mania Mania!,
"Side Effects May Occur",
7 Pet Peeves,
Practical Jokes to Play on Your Dog,
Pictures for Pooches,
Films for Cats,
Yo Pet ...,
8 Eat, Drink, and Be Merry,
What Vegetables Ought to Be Called,
Meat-Free Jokes for — and about — Vegetarians,
Real Restaurant Menu Items Whose Names Sound Like Poop,
Fast Food Jokes,
You Drink So Much That,
Slurred Words,
Drunk Uncle Witticisms,
Actual Vape or "E-Juice" Flavors That Exist,
Party Animals,
Actual Marijuana Strain Names,
Jokes for Stoners,
9 Reality Bites,
Real Street Names,
What You Don't Want to Know about Flying,
Your Daily Horoscope,
Better Slogans,
Actual IKEA Product Names,
Movie Night!,
Unfortunately Titled Real Books,
Perfect Authors for the Book,
Terrible Product Names,
Dad Jokes,
HGTV's Fall Lineup,
Billboards,
The Best Wi-Fi Network Names,
"Jokes",
10 Old School,
Little Willie Jokes,
Old Jokes,
Tom Swifties,
Mature Knock-Knock Jokes for Immature Readers,
"Little Audrey Just Laughed and Laughed ...",
Walks into a Bar ...,
Pirate Jokes,
11 Human Behavior,
A Very Terrible Game of "Would You Rather?",
Idioms from Around the World That Just Don't Translate,
Email Subject Translations,
Ugly Jokes,
Ripped from the Headlines,
Abbrvtns,
Banned Baby Names,
Weird Products,
12 The Final Chapter,
What's the Difference?!,
Very Bad Website Addresses,
Yo Mama Has Earned Our Respect!,
Hilarious Irish Sayings,
Snappy Comebacks,
You're Not Helping, Autocorrect,
The Perfect Name for the Job,
A Bucket List for the Boring,
Funny Last Words,
About the Author,
Copyright,

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